The Communal/Independent Struggle

It's strange the struggle that I, and perhaps many in the North American culture, have between being an individual with independence and our group/network reliance. As I child, I longed for a time when I could claim to be fully independent and not rely on others (perhaps due to guilt manipulation by certian people making me feel more of a burden than an aid or my role as caregiver to those who should have given care to me but let's skip the therapy classes). Today I claim to be quite social and recognize the need for community support and reliance. I spurn the lack of the communal in our culture and recognize the idol-like attention given to the individual. And although I support our social structure, spread the little wealth I have, and open myself with acions for others, there is still a part of me that would rather give than recieve. It's like I can dish it out but can't take it.

What leads to this independent individualist action? Is it my pride? The guilt of the undeserving? Why is it so hard to let others help me? Some might be saying this is a good thing. You're a servant and show genuine love but maybe this is another element of how love can go wrong. It is, in a way, selfish to continually give love without accepting it from others. You are not allowing others the pleasure of having thier love recieved. Others might say that I am being communal and supporting the people around me- but I would argue that my actions are more individualist and independent than anything else. How so? I am placed in a power position when I am the one giving rather than recieving. This brings me satisfaction and reaffirms that I can do things for myself. Although I can come before God feeling weak, needing help, it's strange that I can not come to my fellow brethren for the same service. It must be very hard for the people around. This is not to say that I do not show gratitude- for this I do feel quite deeply. Sometimes the simplest deeds done for/to me can make me brake out in tears.

Goal for the upcoming week- Allow myself to be loved by accepting love from others and ask for help/things when I not only need but also want them.