Return

My sister just returned from her trip. She left when I was still in Korea so I hadn't seen her in over a year. In lieu of her return and the birthday I missed, I gave her a a little package last night. It included: a Dick Tracy sticker book, Korean bookmarks, "Howl's Moving Castle" and an Ayn Rand book that I really like called "We The Living". Oh yah, I wrapped all this in the pages of a comic book call "Savage Henry".

The word return is interesting. It's one of those loaded words; the mood and understanding behind it all depends on context and history. I think in everyones life, there are things we would like to return to, things we wish we could have once again and things we wish we didn't have to abandon. It's the soldier returning home, the lost boy finding his mom, the visit to your childhood town. With these things we long/enjoy our returning. Juxtaposed to this is our desire to escape a return by seeking out the new, finding a way to change and to break away from habits/routine. There are many things we would never want to return to (moments in time perhaps) and many realities we wish we didn't have to return to ie. a crappy job or homelife. We desire or despise to return to things of our past. Return is a reflective word. You can not return to some place, something, that you have never been and although often you are the one who has the choice to return, sometimes it is impossible to escape a return or to inable one.

Unemployed

This (almost) socially unacceptable fact is what I'm facing. Although it gives me more time to do things around the house/property ie. tile the bathroom, take down wallpaper, fix up flower beds etc. I still need to pay the bills. Also it sucks when I run into people I know cause it's inevitable they will ask "So what 'cha doing now?" and I'll answer with some coy remark about my past work accomplishments and how I couldn't avoid the now unemployed position I'm now in because I did such a thorough job on the project.
John's staying with me for a few days. I really enjoy my mornings with him around;It's nice to see the person you love right when you wake up. It's like starting the day with a sniff of cocaine. Ok so I don't really know what that's like but I can image. This morning on the menu is blueberry pancakes and a half and half mixture of coffee substitute and the pure gold caffine enriched coffee. (I'm trying to wean myself of the cafinee adiction) My cat Inu (Eeeenew) will be having tuna. If you look on the side of the cat food can at the lack of real food you'll see why.

Soaking up Surroundings

I was looking over some old papers I wrote when I was back in school and I think I have gone down hill in the "smarts" department. This makes me wonder how much our environments really effect our thinking and processing. I am convinced that we have the ability to feed off each others ideas without even talking about them and when you surrond yourself in an envirnoment where people are in disscussion and searcing out answers- you are bound to pick up on some things just floating around in the air. Maybe it has something to do with stimulation too. I miss the classes and discussions. I miss the coffee hangouts and the indi. films. I miss the culture and diversity. Wine, walks, and energy. Urban centres really are a hub for the intellect, poet, and musician- bohemian lifestyle. This is not to say that my environment here is not stimulating/feeding me in its own way; Nature always brings something very special out of me. A peace within and occationally an euphoric high. I'm feed with an emotional intellegence rather than intellect.

These thoughts lead me to the longing of a church community too, that I can surround myself with and "pick up on the ideas floating around in the air". While at school, my home church disbanded (It's a long story ending with the pastor becoming a truck driver) and I (un)fortunately learned theology and have a stong longing to sink my teeth into it some more. The Babtist church that some of my old congregation goes to has a lot of things going for it (The community is very welcoming and the sermons are very "practical" for everyday living) but then the theology issues come up. It's hard to have connections, find relations, within a church community that I have lost touch with.

Problems with rural Churches:

1. There is a lack of diversity in denominations. Although I do like unity of thought and the fellowship like minded people can hold, diversity is important too. Diversity leads to disscussion and change and allows people to choose where they fit in. For example: I like the Baptist church and some of the theology they engage in but I feel my beliefs and ideas about things would aline in a different denomination. The problem: There is no congregation in this rural area of the denomination I would like to attend.

2. Travel and distance issues. If you live in a rural area it is essential that you have some mode of transportation. Car=ideal Horse=useful Tractor=slow but efficient Bike=exhusted and not really practical Feet=ain't going to cut it The closest town to my house is a 30 min. drive by car. The church that I would like to attend is a 50 min. drive by car. Don't even get me started on gas prices and where all this leaves the "marginalized" sectors. Rural churches need to set-up travel aid programs and car pooling/taxi services because public transportation does not exist.

3. Churches can become almost too personal. Occationally a sermon can be (mis)directed at certain members or famillies in a congregation leading to hurt feelings and pointing fingers. Private issues always seem to become public knowledge and this can do more harm than good when people are marginalized, shunned, and brought to the slaughter. Not everything should be public knowledge!

4. Tradions and lack of change. Ok so not all rural churches have this problem. Within some congregations there have been great lengths taken to incorporate "things of youth" into services and to contextualize/make relevant some "things of old". But- rural communities in general are far more "traditional" in many ways of thinking and are still slow in some practices. Close knit traditionalists don't want to see change and because so many of the rural churches are "personal" there are often popularity/friendship contests in favour of keeping things the way they are vs the newcomer-outsider with "strange" ideas.

5. Lack of interest groups and special classes Because most rural churches are very small in size, they do not always have the resources to obtain youth pastors, assistant pastors, interest group leaders, program instructors, teachers etc. When a church leans so heavily on a single pastor for all their needs- he (I use he because she is very untraditional and is not often found) can quickly burn out. Congregation members can not always find the resources they need for the issues they are facing. Young chirtians are continually lumped with matured chirtians leading to either lessons that are "over peoples heads" or "basic salvation- become saved". (I find it's more often the "become saved" because there is not enough resources for people to expand on thier thoughts/theology to really become mature and expand their faith)

I'm sure there is more but I'm suppose to be working. Last week with Brockton Trails- so much to do, so little time, so many distractions

...... and so I find myself here,

a strange place to be; inside of myself. Examination, contemplation, leading to exasperation. Unrest if you will. You could blame it on a some physical flux; mood swings and monthly cleansings but I question that. It's a time for a change- new job, new patterns, new time to wake-up. Take up: old habits, old longings, old glory days of stories unfinished. I think I need to be in motion. Twirl around on the front lawn, roll my thoughts down hills and feed the fish. Take time out for myself. You have no clue how hard I wish I could travel; beyond my thoughts and wishes, make things happen, break free from my mind/circumstances...... but this is where I find myself.

The Same Old Struggle

Romans 7 14-25
We know that the law is holy. But I am not. I have been sold to be a slave of sin. I don't understand what I do. I don't do what I want to do. Instead, I do what I hate to do. I do what I don't want to do. So I agree that the law is good. As it is, I am no longer the one who does these things. It is sin living in me that does them. I know there is nothing good in my sinful nature. I want to do what is good, but I can't. I don't do the good things I want to do. I keep on doing the evil things I don't want to do. I do what I don't want to do. But I am not really the one who is doing it. It is sin living in me.
Here is the law I find working in me. When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. Deep inside me I find joy in God's law. But I see another law working in the parts of my body. It fights against the law of my mind. It makes me a prisoner of the law of sin. That law controls the parts of my body.
What a terrible failure I am! Who will save me from this sin that brings death to my body? I give thanks to God. He will do it through Jesus Christ our Lord. So in my mind I am a slave to God's law. But in my sinful nature I am a slave to the law of sin.

Blowing Candles

So today is my birthday. I guess that's a worthy cause to write about. It's strange how things change when you get older. I remember a time when just having a birthday was exciting on its own account. Becoming older was something you would strive for and if your younger sister had her bithday before you- there was always the worry that she just might catch up. It was nice to have it on a weekend this year. It gave me the day to think about stuff and just enjoy it for what it was. My birthday wish this year was to have a picnic; I really didn't want anything else, just that. John thought it would be a good idea to have it on Center Island, in Toronto. The day was honestly perfect. After Church, we went to the store and picked up pizza buns, raspberries, oranges, apples, jubejubies and drinking boxes; an ideal picnic assortment. (John also bought me "Run Lola Run"- a movie I adore but never got around to buying- on the fly cause it was in a discount bin) We grabed our blanket and backpack (as well as a slingshot and marbles, but we never got around to using them)and headed out to the Island.


Conclusion: It was a beautiful day.

Things I enjoyed:
*spending time with John
*seeing seagulls try to look all puffy and intimidating
*listening to a small child trying to sing her ABC's
*seeing the smiles on the faces of people being "harassed" by Italian soccer fan cheers
*watching a flock of birds move like some kind of Gestalt picture
*listening to a sermon about the struggle with our minds, deeds and sinfulness
*sitting under a willow tree- one of the most beautiful kinds of trees there are
*sitting in a Timmy's and watching 6 bike cops come in
*watching a small boy running after a gander of geese while being photographed by his father
*the wind in my face on the ferry
*hearing so many different languages in such a short time span

Thoughts on Indifference and Love

Even though the world seems to have gotten smaller with all our connections, commnications, travel abilities etc., I would argue that in a way it has gotten bigger- and this is a problem. I think people only have the ability to hold genuine concern and care -real love- to that which is personal.
bigger world = less indepth knowledge = less personal
When things are impersonal, it's far easier to feel indifferent. (Or perhaps obsess over unknowns but that's a different blog) I guess you could make argument that not knowing about something in the first place makes you far more indifferent so that now in our knowledge/enlightenment, we can have far more fervor and passion than ever before about more things. But perhaps our knowledge of the world's "going-ons" actually diminishes the amount of passion/love we should hold for our own local communities/reality and props up our ability to feel indifferent towards things we should feel more towards. We thin ourselves out and can't devote as much love as we should. As well, the more things we are enlightened to- the more we intentionally feel indifferent towards. For example- I hear about a landslide that kills thousands of people across the world. Sure I could send them some money to help in thier rebuilding and what not and then I could feel good about not being indifferent but after my cheque has been sent is this landslide and the individuals it has impacted going to be a big concern for me? No, I'll become indifferent. Have I diminished thier plight, made it less dramatic and immense, taken away some dignity, by suggesting my money will solve thier problems? I'm not saying that aiding in disaster relief is not a worthy cause, I'm suggesting that if I really wanted to be loving I'd move to the community were the landslide happened, get to know the people, get my hands dirty and help them- with them. Make it personal. Ok- not so probable- How many people really want to relocate? That means we should start with our own communities. Our communities might not have the same kind of "disasters" we hear about on the news but you've got to recognize they are not perfect. We are so indifferent to our own reality that we often don't know the names of our neighbours let alone the names of the local families that are stuggling. We have become impersonal and so we are indifferent.
How do we make life/reality personal? How can our relationships become real?

It's a boy!

My very good friends-Barb and Eddie-just had thier baby; a little boy whom they named Christian Alexander. They were due on July 10- the day after my b-day so I guess they are a little early. Does this make me an Auntie? I can't wait until he's old enough for me to feed him lots of candy and to indoctrinate him with my vegetarian ideals.


Congratulations guys!