Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Short Story Sequence (One more try)

Part 1 The Undertown

It seems lately, when I stroll my way through the streets at night, I find myself at the Undertown Café. It’s a small joint, originally owned by some local free spirit, now bought-out by some idealist with faith in the American Dream. There’s been talk of Live Music Wednesdays and bathroom renovations, neon signs and a new flavour of cheesecake. Changes they say, but so far it’s all been talk. You can tell the place has seen hardship, but I guess there are few of us who haven’t. My table is the small one in the corner; three legs, two chairs. If it‘s taken, I get my drink to go. When I walk, I walk alone and although the coffee is decent, I can’t say that’s what draws me. Most nights, I’m carrying the essentials: pen, notebook, novel, hairpin and a few coins for coffee. Most nights, I’ll bring along my old pink walkman and listen to the music I once fucked to; mellow tunes that bring me inspiration, but only when the notes hit me.
The Undertown is one of those places where you could run into just about anyone. It brings in the intellectuals from the library, the street walkers from the cold, and the young college students to sober up and cram for exams. Of course you also have the regulars. Routine is a hard thing to break and you can tell it’s riding the back of many, perhaps me included.
You’ve got the starving musicians, none under forty, who reminisce/brag of the few gigs they’ve played and then pull out a guitar and/or harmonica. Once in a while they’ll start up a sing-along and the whole place will be filled with vibrations. Up front, by the window, the young crowd “hangout”. High school cliques and girls done-up, look eighteen, giggle and gossip. They drink frothy lattés and bat long lashes when center stage stares are given. The baggy-jean boy (quarter-back perhaps?) was amongst their crowd but he’s not much around after he started dating the boy who works cash. Now he’s more often found at the counter-top. All lined up on their bar chairs, they chat about sports and current affairs. The Philo…..neo-**insert choice thought**…..sophical, flock to the couches, dropping names and debating Socrates, Mathus, Jung, Marx, you name it. Half are high, half are intimidated, and not a one wants to show it. Elite but not above the kids who work here and their friends who get discounts and the occasional give-away. Rounding out the room loom the loners. They come by themselves, not to socialize but to feel like they are. Reading books, people watching, occasionally being chatted up by one night drop-ins. Mostly it’s a getaway but you can tell a few might have motives.

Part 2 Connections and Motives
Motives. A hard thing to track; any law student or people watcher could tell you that. I tell myself, when I arrive, je suis, that I’ve come: to think, to write, to read, to watch. But truth be told, it’s not. I hide behind my book, my pen, with secret hopes of seeing him. Knowing fully well that flesh and blood might as well lie six feet underground. He won’t come.
The Undertown. Where I first saw Leon. Sitting. Reading. A casual drifter, seeking refuge from outdoors. Laid aside, on the patched hard floor, a shoulder bag with faux fur hidden on the underside of the strap. His worn wool cap with initials hand stitched in red sat on his knee playing a balancing act. It was cold that night. The mug on his table brimmed with black coffee steamed slightly, foreshadowing how much warmth there lacked inside. Of him: An engrossing figure, bohemian perhaps, eyeing me from the corner of Atlas Shrugged. There was something strange about those blue eyes and what lay behind them. Desire? Despair? Hate? Fear? A window to the soul, they say- but who were They to make such a universal claim. His gaze followed me as I walked to the counter for a refill.
As if I had been compelled by some childish dare, I glanced in his direction half expecting to make a connection that would go beyond a look or a stare. I imagined he would read me; word by word, deconstructed through hermeneutics. My flesh grew warm at the thought, undecided if such a moment would be considered an intrusion or intimacy.
With filled mug in hand, I floated back to my chair, picked up my novel and read words. Ideas lost, mind unfocussed, great imagery was reduced to a colour-by-number. I swallowed a mouthful of coffee and attempted to focus on the warm lump that moved down my throat. Resentment emerged as his silhouette transformed into a distraction; he was looking in my direction. The Undertown was my house of refuge; the one corner where I could expand on my thoughts and pick up on the ideas floating around in the air. I needed the place and it seemed entirely unfair that He should intrude on my territory. On the other hand, he did seem my type.

Friday, November 17, 2006

I thought of you today

I spoke her name today; first in whisper and then aloud. The context doesn’t really matter. The point is there are things I miss and speaking her name, placing her into real time, is one of them. (Too often thoughts never make it into real time)

It’s strange how little difference there is between “love” and “hate” when it’s passion that pulls you. I’ve found the two almost indistinguishable. Yes you can label your emotions, your feelings, but really the world and our minds are torn between apathy and passion. When you are overcome with feelings, sensations, the distinctions are lost and all that’s left to contrast it is apathy. To truly hate something, you must feel nothing towards it. Maybe this is similar to the idea of the lukewarm being spit from the mouth of God. Be hot, be cold, be anything but lukewarm.

In the past, I had problems feeling certain “negative” emotions: or maybe is was a problem labelling them? When I finally recognized/felt “hate” (not as apathy) is was freeing and I found it so similar to the passions of love it confused me.

I watched Donnie Darko again today. I think I could watch that movie everyday and never get tired of it. I love the irony. I love the concepts of fate. The thoughts on time travel and the incredible sound track. I always come away with new thoughts and concepts after watching it.

One of the best movies ever!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Three Death Dreams

I have died in my dreaming life three times.

Dream One.

I was lying in the middle of the road, I think on my back. It was night time. A car drove over my head. The realization came that I was dead. I woke up.

Dream Two


I was running through this jungle that was think and green. Ferns and tall trees. The brush would hit my face as I ran. I was being chased but by what, I don't know. Jumping over logs, falling and getting up, over ravines. Then the mud. Sinking in, being sucked down. Reaching up for something, anything. Drowning in the air. This was suffication. Again- the realization of death and my awakening.

Dream Three

This dream was more vivid and real than the others. It began as me taking the form of an inadimate object. I was a cup on this table trying to be like the other cups. I was hiding amoungst them. When I felt safe I became myself. Then the man/creature I was hiding from appeared. I tried to manipulate him by pretending to enjoy his company. He leaned towards me for a kiss. I kissed back. As the kiss began, he began to suck my soul, my inner being, out of me. Again it was like suffocation but worse. On a deeper level. This was more than a physical death, it was the distruction of me as a whole. I couldn't scream, I couldn't move and I was sucked empty. Death of the soul, death of the whole, only fear and terror.

Loss of the self.

Nancy Drew and the Case of the Missing Porn

Tonight someone stole some porn from the movie store. No I have no evidence but logic tells me so. A man came in eatting a hamburger. He went into the "porn room" and I heard him pick stuff up and looking at it. When he left the building he went through the sensors but he made no sound. Why? I'm thinking he used the foil wrapper from the hamburger to wrap around the sensor. When he got in his car I saw him hold up the wrapper and it wasn't crumpled up like a used wrapper should be. It's sad when stolen porn becomes the highlight of your week.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Social Life- gone the way of the buffalo

Working me raw to the bone; figuratively, unless you count the paper cuts. It’s ironic how patients charts documenting their injuries can injure me. I haven’t had a day off in a while and I’ve been pulling double shifts: ie. 8 hours at the hospital (plus 1hour 30min driving time there and back) then a closer at the movie store from 6:30 to close. I don’t get home until 12:00am or 1 depending on the closing shift. It’s like a 16 hour working day. I put my two week notice in at the movie store. Soon the chaos will be over.

Last week I had my beauty marks removed from my face. I had originally gone in just to get one removed from the corner of my eye cause it bothered me when I was tired. The doctor told me the others were “distractions” and convinced me that I might as well get all of them removed since I was getting the one done. It’s strange looking in a mirror and not seeing something. Mirrors are for observations, seeing things. It’s the lack of what I see that I am drawn to now.

Good things can take away from my time spent at the movie store? I am even more disillusioned with entertainment and this experience has completely convinced me that our society no longer genuinely desires to provide services because they want to benefit/aid society- They only want your money. The motives of the corporate/capitalist systems suck! As a worker, when I tried to genuinely help my customers by telling the truth, giving them credits, and not selling them things they did not need/want- I was punished, discouraged, belittled and was given warnings. A workers allotted hours for the next week would even be diminished if their “metrics” (sales) were low. ie. The greater your % of customer to upselling, the more hours you could work.

Boy am I glad to be getting out of there.