A list of things that are getting under my skin......

1. Bell Canada. They have been on my dooms-day list in the past but it's worse than ever. I've had my account for over 4 months now and I still have not recieved one bill yet. I've called them numerous times and each time they reassure me that they are resending the bills but I never receive them. When I try and make an account on their website, I go in circles and can never fully registar for online bill payment. I got my account number out of one Bell lacky and tried to set up bill payment through my online banking. Cross your fingers that this works cause the $300 bill looming over my head is killing me.

2. Bathroom Tile Project. I've been putting tiles in my bathroom and it has taken way longer than I had projected. I've been bathing instead of showering and it sucks. As well, I'm a bit of a perfectionist and although I should let up a bit considering it's the first time I've ever tiled, the corners in my bathtub do not line up exactly. Others tell me it looks good- but I know it's a little shaddy.

3. Cat named Inu. My cat likes to jump on my head in the morning when he is hungry. He'll bite my ears and make growling noises until I get up. Then he'll attack my feet all the way to the kitchen until he's happy and feed.

4. Lack of Job. I am starting to feel the strain (both in the wallet and in the head) of being unemployed. Although I keep busy, it's frustrating to put out resumes and not hear back. Perhaps it's my answering machine. It's been acting up. *sigh*

5. Lawn Care. It takes over two hours to mow my lawn with a riding lawn mower and about the same amount of time is needed with a weed wacker. My flower beds are in disarray and I have too many logs/fallen trees just laying around waiting for a chain-saw to chew them up. I lost a bolt on my chain-saw and have to replace it before I can do this. Specialty store to buy specialty part :( As well, fall is here leading quickly enough to winter and I still have to split a big pile of logs. (My muscles already hurt thinking about it)

On an up note: It's a beautiful day and I can put my laundry on the line. Mmmm fresh laundry.

The Communal/Independent Struggle

It's strange the struggle that I, and perhaps many in the North American culture, have between being an individual with independence and our group/network reliance. As I child, I longed for a time when I could claim to be fully independent and not rely on others (perhaps due to guilt manipulation by certian people making me feel more of a burden than an aid or my role as caregiver to those who should have given care to me but let's skip the therapy classes). Today I claim to be quite social and recognize the need for community support and reliance. I spurn the lack of the communal in our culture and recognize the idol-like attention given to the individual. And although I support our social structure, spread the little wealth I have, and open myself with acions for others, there is still a part of me that would rather give than recieve. It's like I can dish it out but can't take it.

What leads to this independent individualist action? Is it my pride? The guilt of the undeserving? Why is it so hard to let others help me? Some might be saying this is a good thing. You're a servant and show genuine love but maybe this is another element of how love can go wrong. It is, in a way, selfish to continually give love without accepting it from others. You are not allowing others the pleasure of having thier love recieved. Others might say that I am being communal and supporting the people around me- but I would argue that my actions are more individualist and independent than anything else. How so? I am placed in a power position when I am the one giving rather than recieving. This brings me satisfaction and reaffirms that I can do things for myself. Although I can come before God feeling weak, needing help, it's strange that I can not come to my fellow brethren for the same service. It must be very hard for the people around. This is not to say that I do not show gratitude- for this I do feel quite deeply. Sometimes the simplest deeds done for/to me can make me brake out in tears.

Goal for the upcoming week- Allow myself to be loved by accepting love from others and ask for help/things when I not only need but also want them.

Goodbye Lindz and Morg.

This past weeking I helped Lindz, one of my very closest and dearest friends pack up her things and sent her off on a plane back to California. Linz and her husband Morg. are two of the most amazing people you will ever meet. They are both extremely passionate and have a zeal and love of Christ that has always been inspirational to me.

I am reallly going to miss listening and talking with Morg. as he really has a talent for saying what needs to be said and not lightfooting around issues. He is a beautifully intense person who always has a strong presence in any room. Not only does he have great a taste for film and culture, his understanding of love and the Christian walk has really challenged me, maturing me in ways that might not have been possible without his input. I don't know if I've ever really thanked Morg. for the impact that he has had on me or for the love and friendship he has extended but I really hope he knows that I am greatful and will miss him terribly.

Linz is one of the most gentle, sweet and beautiful people I think I've ever meet. Her words and friendship have inpacted me in the most needed ways and I know it will be very different/difficult to not have her around. She has been my support beam and ear to wisper into. She has been a guide and a book full of wisdom. She has been an example to me and a blessing that has truly been overflowing. My sister in Christ and I am going to miss her very very very much. I hate it when words can not discribe things properly and that's how I feel about Lindz. It's like anything I tried to discriber her as would limit her and make her something less.
Somethings about Lindz.....
*Her faith is so real and beautiful that she never feels as ease and is always striving to grow closer to Christ and his love.
*She wants a pet turtle
*She has a love of others that is self-evident in her actions
*She likes to dye her hair pink and has the most beautiful butterfly tatoos up her arm and around to the back of her neck
*She wants to reflect chirst in all her roles (friend, wife, daughter, sister etc.)
*She has been a ture friend to me and has understood me. I feel like I have a connection to her that I have had with very few people.
*She eats alot of her food with her fingers and puts crackers in her salads. She is an amazing vegetarian cook and ever so modest about it too.
*Smart, beautiful, thoughtful, godly, cute, cheerful, words, words, words. Big fish- bigger than life. You have to meet her to honestly understand. Morg. is honestly the luckest man to have such an increadable wife.

Good luck to both of you.