Nightshade

Return of the Renaissance Man?

2008-11-23T07:50:00.003-06:00

A really big hot button issue, or so I've been told, in the field of health and patient care is the idea of an interdisciplinary team. This is different from a multidisciplinary team.
An interdisciplinary team works together with a common goal and takes into consideration the benefits and aids of the professionals also involved in the patients care. The professionals will often come together in the same session and work together.
A multidisciplinary team has many individual parts that work independently from each other, focusing on their own strengths/goals to help the patient. These professionals will not come together in the same session but will still update each other about their own particular progress.

While chewing on these thoughts, I couldn't help but think about the Renaissance Man and how this interdisciplinary unit/team of professionals looked similar. One unit, one goal, many professions. Although the professionals in the team do specialize in a particular area, which is not very renaissance like, the fact that they work together in a common goal as a unit is. It's an expansion of the Man into a closer knit team. This is different from what has traditionally been going on in the field of health over the past 100 years. It's been about specialization and how beneficial it is for doctors to be work within their own spectrum. There has been little insight into how a different field might benefit the goals of another. Eg. How music therapy might be useful for a dermatologist patient.

One of the great benefits of this new Renaissance man is that the quality of care/knowledge is not diminished; each member of the team is very specialized. The original renaissance man could not possibly contain all the knowledge of this combined team thus he/she could not possible give the quality care this team can.

I wonder if this renaissance man will be found in other disciplines outside of health? With the economical downturn, maybe having one person with the capacities of many will be a new economical trend. Ha! I just thought about the Resume trend. It's all about transferable skills.

Drive, school, drive, homework, sleep and repeat

2008-11-23T07:26:00.002-06:00

OK I know it's been a few months but I have a good excuses.

a) I got married. As any former bride is aware, weddings are a HUGE distraction from any writting endevours and take time to plan. I'll post some pics when I get them back from my mom. (She is oh so proud)

b) I am a student again. I don't remember school being so much work. This program is perhaps particularly so though. 7 Courses and two labs jammed into one week. Seriously, I've had projects, tests, papers due every other day. Audiology, intro to neurological disorders in adults, phonology and articulation, augmentative and alternative communication, profession, therapy, and intro to therapy with children. Most of this stuff is new to me. Also I'm driving 2 hours to school and 2 hours back. The weather is starting to suck and I am getting tense.

Excuses. Excuses.

I'm so good at these. I just wish I could keep up with my writing.

Cheers

Things that have happened since my last post

2008-07-26T21:03:00.003-05:00

1. I got stuck in an elevator at work and had to push that yellow emergency button. (FWI- I had to ring it 3 times until someone answered) Apparently I like being stuck in elevators as much as I like bats swooping at my head. Ok, so I didn't scream and turn myself into a little denfensive ball, but I did feel a strange panic come over me.

2. Our wedding invites were completed and printed

(Image has been altered for privacy issues)

A big thank you to Dana Cowie for doing this design. I love it!

3. I suck at finishing things I want to get done. Suzanne and I are doing a joint creative writing project and I still have not posted mine yet. Sorry love. I'll try and have them up for tomorrow. I hate when I suck.

D.I.Y.

2008-06-09T08:27:00.004-05:00

I'm a big fan of the do it yourself culture and was quite happy to come across a website called Instructables. As quoted, it's "the worlds biggest show and tell". They have tutorials on everything. Yes everthing. The site has been divided into 13 sections: Art, craft, food, games, green, home, kids, life, offbeat, pets, photography, rides and tech.
From >"How to sleep in a bed with your friend" to "How to mod a nintento controller into a cell phone". Smoke bombs to bike generators, ping pong ball lights to "How to fill an office with packing peanuts" , this website is a must to check out.

It has inspired me to write my own tutorial. Post to follow.

If...

2008-06-06T17:28:00.003-05:00

I was once told that to think about things that could never be, things that were impossible- never to be had - was a frivolous pleasure and a waste of your thoughts and time. Talking about such things was an even greater offense. (I guess because it involved bringing another mind into the equation. Twice the inefficency?)
I once tried to limit the nonsense in my thought, to exercise the practical and realistic, but to be honest it felt like I was confined, somehow tied down. I know that not all things are possible. That there are laws in life and certain limitations that restrict us from obtaining all things but there is something freeing about thinking if. In your mind, it seems, those limitations disapear and all things do become possible. It's a filling of desire. A way to experience something even if it is a farce. Sometimes a lie feels better than the truth.
Now to live in this dream-like state forever/constantly does have its dangers but as a vacation I'd prefer it to the everyday entertainments offered to our culture.

Here are some of my ifs.....

IF
.... I wasn't saving $$$ for my wedding I'd go to What The Heck Fest and have a chance to see: Mirah & Khaela Maricich/the Blow plus many other bands I'm sure to love. One day, yes one day, I will surely make it out to the West Coast.

.... I had more $$$ saved I would go to Venezuela for my honeymoon and see the giant waterfall and the plateau that inspired Sir Arthur Conan Doyle to write The Lost World. I would brush up on my Spanish, develop a glowing tan and swim in the Atlantic Ocean.

.... I could turn into an animal I would become a spider and weave beautiful silk chords of web amongst the reeds by the ocean. I would capture the sand fleas and horseflys in tight little cocoons and drink the dew that moistened my threads.

.... I captured darkness in my hands I would show it to only a few. True darkness that lets in no light. I don't think all people can handle darkness but perhaps seeing it, holding it, would bring insight into plight.

Free Rice

2008-06-03T14:04:00.002-05:00

Check out www.freerice.com

It's a fun vocab game that donates 20 grains of rice to the UN World Food Program for every word you get right. It's great way to increase your vocabulary and to help feed those in need.

Notice to nerds

2008-05-10T20:10:00.007-05:00

If you like to read Manga, a good website to read it online is: Mangavolume (Just remember to read from right to left.)

This is where I read deathnote- a very good read I might add- that can also be viewed as animie on late night YTV once in a while.

Right now I'm reading Bitter Virgin More serious than the title may suggest.

10

2008-05-10T17:44:00.003-05:00

Starting as a tone-deaf sonnet of sorts, the words sound flat or sharp without rhythm. Or rhyme, or reason, messing up the tune. A jumble of phrases that have one thing: Ten awkward syllables that construct each.

Dream Log #2

2008-04-29T09:24:00.002-05:00

This morning I dreamt that I was in a garage moving boxes or something with some people. Beside one box was a spider. A large spider. I wasn't afraid of it, more curious about it. I didn't think it was harmful even though it was really large. It bit me when I tried to pick it up and so I went to the hospital where I had to fill out some paperwork before the doctor could see me. Strange paperwork that looked more like English homework from 2nd grade. While in the waiting room this guy started talking to me and trying to squeeze my waist. I got super annoyed and got up and left to sit down in a different area. Some nurse told me the guy was harmless and a regular at the hospital. (Mental health patient?) My spider bite started to get really big and some people came over to look at it. They were debating as to which type of spider it was that would cause a bite mark like mine. (It was cone shaped, like a very small ice cream cone, and purple/red.) While they were debating I woke up realizing my alarm had gone off 15 min's ago.

Dusty Duties

2008-04-27T13:25:00.003-05:00

The layers of dust are thick but here's a life update:

1. My grandfather passed away last July. I took it kind of hard.
2. I am going back to school in Sept. in Orillia. It's a one year program in the right direction. I've decided to become a speech/language pathologist or perhaps an audiologist. CODA program This program is really intense and I'm excited. After I'm finished, I'm hoping to get my Masters.
3. I'm getting married on Sept. 20 and my plans are slowly coming together. I'm not really sure how I'm going to be able to afford both a wedding and school but I've made up my mind to do both so I can't really worry about it.
4. I met some of my cousins who were estranged. It's exciting because it's been at least 15 years maybe longer since I had seen them. I have hope that there will be more meetings to come.
5. My cat Inu went missing and now I have a dog named Sprocket. She is part poodle, part collie. I got her from the pound.

How I've missed you

2008-04-27T08:37:00.002-05:00

I've missed the feeling of letting loose and writing what I feel. I've missed the tapping of fingertips on stiff little keys, how my palms begin to sweat when I drink coffee before I type and the feeling of being empty after I have poured, spit and pissed all the contents out of my mind. It's good to be back.

Man in the parking lot

2007-08-03T21:23:00.000-05:00

He was a plump man, overweight and scruffy, wearing a plaid sweater-vest on a hot summer day. I don't think he could find his car 'cause he wandered with a queer look on his face. He wore no shirt under his wool vest; with buttons buldging over his belly. I wondered if his wife had left him, screaming from the doorframe to do his own damn laundry. Perhaps that vest was all that was left in the drawer, all that was left of her.

Dream Log #1

2007-07-03T17:56:00.000-05:00

Last night I dreamt I was working as a cashier at a grocery store. My friend Stacy was also working there. I was having problems scanning in the bananas. I couldn't find the right button to press to weigh produce and felt flustered. My check-out computer didn't seem to be running the right program either. When I pressed the Esc button it kept changing to a different program. None the one I needed to help people buy thier food. The customer had to leave my till and search for help from another. (Maybe Stacy helped him?) Then another person came to me wanting to exchange coupons for cash. I couldn't even count the coupons properly. I think I was fired and somehow ended up in a flying car.

Thoughts: I liked the ending. I'm sure the flying car thing was influanced by a review of the new Transformers movie I read earlier in the day. Not really sure about the grocery store thing, but perhaps the scenario is similar to my days working at a movie store were thier deal codes never worked. My computer check-out station was similar to those self check-outs they have at the Super Store I go to in Georgetown.

Disclaimer

2007-07-03T17:26:00.000-05:00

In light of my ever expanding readership (ha) I felt a disclaimer was needed.

1) Sometimes my posts are a rant. These rants are often motivated by bad days or female hormones. Do not take offence.
2) I'm a chirstian and often will discuss theology. It's just who I am.
3) I often go through dry spells so my posts are not always consistent.
4) You will find some of my posts a little political, possibly slightly leftist. Yes it's bias, but is it possible not to be?
5) My posts are often self-centered and/or self-serving. Often I write for my own therapeutic purposes. Don't read too much into these either.

Um.. if I think of more I'll add them in later.

Magnolia Electric Co

2007-07-01T07:50:00.000-05:00

Playing Lee's Palace in T.O. on October 5.

I'm so there!

Also Cat Power's playing at the Phoenix on July 10th. Great birthday present for a certain someone- hint hint nudge nudge.

BBC brings thoughts out of me

2007-06-30T09:55:00.000-05:00

I was listening to an anthropologist on the BBC the other night talk about cultural evolution; both natural and coerced. The diversity of languages is quickly on the decline as fewer languages are being spoken, some of these purely oral traditions with no way of communicating in the written forms. Although purely natural in many ways, languages and culture have -through out history- risen and fallen,today's trend of western adaption is estimated to reduce the lingul diversity by half. (I think the final number he quoted was only 300 different languages) Half! Think about that. Would people tolerate the annihilation of half the total animal diversity? What about half the plant diversity? Ok so culture may not be quite as fundamental but each can be just as unique and enriching. The man went on to talk about some of the unique features found in some of the fading cultures. Tribes that have no past tense and speak of only the present. Tribes that have no words for I, he or she and instead talk of we and us. The belief of living in a balance between the dream world and reality, the spiritual and the physical. He said many cultures have this last one in common. This blur in reality between life in dreams and what we (the enlightened) would call being awake. Similar to the thelogy of man being mediators between the spiritual realm and the physical, no? It made me wonder about the importance of instinct, innate/creation understandings, and the hunches, premonitions, gut feelings we ourselves have. How does our culture explain these? The mysticism has certainly been eliminated. Perhaps the closest we come to, in main stream cultural acceptance, is luck, chance, the belief in "something greater". And even these stances are usually taken half heartedly.

With these thoughts in mind, I'm going to try and start a dream journal. It may not lead me to some spiritual realm but it could bring insight into my own life. Dreams really are not given enough credit in our culture and I think I'd like to explore them a little. Don't worry kids, I won't get too Freudian on you.

Finding my muse

2007-06-25T11:16:00.000-05:00

She would strike her match and watch it burn, just long enough to ensure the flame would last. The wonder of it still held her captive as she considered an advancement as such should. The taming of fire was right up there with the invention of the wheel or the first harvest of grain and if one was to forget such things, she thought, one might slip away into the mindset of the granted. Purposefully this flame was held close to the dark end of an ignescent, which caught quite quickly in a shout of light. Though extinguished in its height, none the longest of flames, it still was not without impact, nor without meaning. Curls of music sang in the air, telling stories in 3D picture shows. It would cling to your cloths and swirl in your nostrils. Sweet notes of cinnamon, cedar and grey powdered ash.

Thus began a writer’s ritual, of sorts, to appease a muse. Mischievous muse makes madness of me like peanut butter stuck to roof tops. (Mouths of course) And still no whispers appeared.

Neglect

2007-06-11T10:39:00.000-05:00

Sad neglect. So many thoughts, words, stories, and yet I neglect. Chalk it up to being busy. Spoon on the excuse of work. Stir in summer air, spring flowers, the possibility of taking up kick-boxing. But really it comes down to neglect.

*My sister turned 23 the other day. I have a package put together for her. I even attempted to make her a mixed CD.
*John gave me the most beautiful ring. I scares me little to wear something of so much value - both monitary and personal.
*My skin is growing tan, warm, dry. I feel like I'm ready to be taken out of the oven.
*I looked over some old postings and am disappointed in the direction my writing has come; More personal antidotes and less meaningful rich expressings.
*My house needs to be cleaned. Like a spring cleaning. Soap on floors, windows opened to let in the air. Elminate the dust and lingering cat hair.
*I'm really into the Decemberists right now. Well, at least thier album - Her Majesty.
*I think there are chipmunks living in my attic- or as my sister would say chickmunks.
*I'm trying to tile my bathroom floor- Lord help me is an honest prayer.

I feel like I'm a water ballon growing big and fat at the end of a hose. So much potential, so much inside to be let out. Today I've just gushed it all out. Tomorrow it may leak sadly through a pin hole. I'm going to put more effort into chasing off the neglect.

After careful consideration....

2007-04-08T11:04:00.000-05:00

......I have narrowed down my weddingdress choices to these four.
A.

B.

C.

D.

http://www.bridalonlinestore.com/store/Vegas.asp

Such a hard choice!

Resurrection: Physical and Spiritual Reunion

2007-04-08T09:37:00.000-05:00

Today waves of Joy lap over me, making my body feel flush, my eyes close and my face turn upwards. I love that Easter has such a physical effect on me.

Jack Rabbit

2007-04-07T07:43:00.000-05:00

The wonderland of winter has been sprung upon Grey/Bruce once again, covering trees and reducing road width. This morning, on a smooth, freshly snow covered back road, my mind was admiring the lonely scenery and wishing to hear Eleanor Rigby. That's when I saw the Jack Rabbit. He was large, alert and weaving lengthwise along the road. I might have mistaken him for a smal dog, except for his ears which stood erect/acute of danger. I was already driving slowly inlight of the snow and as the Rabbit ping-ponged across the road I became more aware of my speed. He went over a knoll and I followed behind. It felt like we were racing each other. Darting into the farmer's field beside the road, he continued to run and we were side by side. I think I was going 30 or 40 km and the Jack Rabbit was keeping up. Sadly our paths parted when he turned sharply east, heading for cover. Watership Down crossed my mind, making me wish it was truth and not some beautiful fiction.

The proposition

2007-03-25T18:21:00.000-05:00

This morning I woke up, crawled into bed with John, held him a little and asked him to marry me. The words came out so naturally, like I was simply saying good morning, or I love you. I don't really know where they came from and I certainy wasn't planning it. On our way to church, about half and hour later, John pulled over and said yes.
Instead of going to church, we drove to my parents house so John could ask their blessing.

We are officially engaged. Now we need to find a ring.

Are YOU ready for the rapture?

2007-03-19T17:42:00.000-05:00

When I first read about this on John's site I thought he was creative writing and literally laughed out loud. Then I saw the link.

http://www.raptureready.com/rap2.html

Stolen without permisson from Boerishboy:

"Current conditions include heavy prophetic activity at 159 degrees on the Rapture Index. Be warned, a 160 degree measurement on the Rapture Index is a "fasten your seatbelt" warning for imminent end times occurrences. The Rapture Index is "a prophetic speedometer of end-time activity" which does not mean to predict the rapture, but is designed to measure the "types of activity that could act as a precursor to the rapture." There are, according to the Rapture Index website, two functions for the Rapture Index (from here-on referred to as the RI). The first is "to factor together a number of related end time components into a cohesive indicator" while the second is "to standardize those components to eliminate the wide variance that currently exists with prophecy reporting." The higher the number on the RI, the faster we are moving towards a "pre-tribulation rapture."
On this "Dow Jones Industrial Average of end-time activity," helpful categories such as globalism, Persia, ecumenical activity, and liberalism are complemented by measurements of floods, plagues, and earthquakes. It is nice to know that as American unemployment rates and American crime rates rise the entire world heads more quickly towards a rapture. Interestingly enough, although the overall crime rate in the United States fell, the fact that several key American cities saw a rise in violent crime means that that particular index goes up. Also interesting is that the Democrats taking control of the U.S. Senate raises the RI. Basically, any item of news relating to any of the seemingly arbitrary categories will raise the overall RI."

Check it out- Very Funny!

Wild: Turkeys and Mennonites

2007-03-04T16:26:00.000-06:00

I enjoy my travels to and from work because they involve a variety of elements: the challenge of the laneway, the serenity of sunrises or blood moon nights, and of course entertainment. No, I'm not refering to the good old CBC or my mellow prerecorded tunes and although the road conditions, or perhaps lack of, can make me laugh at where tax dollars may be going, I have to say the most entertaining things I see are the wild turkeys and the mennonites gone wild.
Down the road in a wooded area a family of wild fowl live. I think there are about 14 of them in the flock but I don't always see them all. They huddle in the middle of the road-I'm not to sure of their intent- and when they see my car coming they become anxious and spread thier wings wide. Then the fear. I can't tell if thier eyes grow wide but the birds all begin to clamber. They slip and slide all over the iced road, some go head over tail and then they begin to run. They run like hot coals are under their feet, knees held high. Some run down the middle of the road, others run for the ditch. There's safety in numbers and the lone turkey left behind takes flight. It's a sad little flight, he barely makes it off the groud. With way cleared I continue on my trip hoping I will see them maybe later on or the next day. Further along my travels, amongst the mennonite communities, I will run into horse and carriages. The other dayI saw a mennonite boy holding onto a rope attached to a horse drawn carriage that was driving on the highway. The boy had on big yellow skis and was "water skiing" in the ditch on the snow. I laughed so hard! If the elders had caught those boys I'm sure they would have been in a lot of trouble. Black hats, long coats and bright yellow skiis. Mennonites gone wild!

Laneway VS The Rental Car

2007-02-24T19:50:00.000-06:00

So my accedent was back on the first and I just picked up the cheque for my written-off car yesterday. I guess all the snow in the area has slowed the process down. Anyway, I've been using a rental car and I have to say IT SUCKS. The tires on the car are good for nothing. Everyday it's been a struggle to get out of my laneway and I have even been late for work because of it. I guess I should explain a little. My laneway is a hill, I get it blown out by the farmer with the tractor down the road, and if you have winter tires it's really not that hard to get out. But it seems the "all season" tires on the rental can't cut it. They spin and have no traction. It takes me 10-20mins just to get out of my laneway. If my laneway and the rental car were in a to-the-death match, my laneway would kick the rental car's poor tired ass.
Soon the agony will be over. I actually have a whole (much needed) long weekend off which must be used to buy a new car. (The rental needs to be back on Mon.) I went down to Toronto today and looked around. I ended up putting a deposit on a 1999 Toyota Tercel. Yes I realize this is rather sudden and I probally should have taken a bit more time but really I don't have the time or energy to invest in the car hunt. It should be ready by Monday which is good cause I can go to the bank in the morning to pick up a certified check for th car dealer, bring back my rental car and then be driven down to T.O. to pick up my new used car. Then everything will be "done and done" for work Tuesday morn. Wooooooof (sigh of exasperation) I'm glad tomorrow is Sunday. I really need a morning in church and time to just relax and come before the Lord.

The Visit

2007-02-16T10:50:00.001-06:00

- I wrote this not long after my greatgrandmother passed away. It is more sentiment than quality and is not finished. I just found it today and I think I might do some work on it.-

As I approach the driveway, I contemplate if I should park at the top of the steep lane or drive down. It snowed last night and Dad hasn’t been over yet to sand the driveway. I nuzzle my small grey hatchback into the drift at the top of the hill, that may or may not be a part of the ditch, and make the decision to get out on the passenger’s side. Even though the snow’s not as deep on the un-ploughed road, it still soaks its way into my canvas shoes. “Not quite the right attire.” I check for mail in the near frozen shut box and find a snowcapped “Estonian Post”. I tuck it under my arm and make my way carefully down to the house. From the top of the hill, narrow lifelines can be seen reaching out from the house, into the snow. One trail leads to the pile of wood kept dry in the garage and the other to the chicken shed. “Still so active,” I smile to myself. I know it keeps her going.
But something is missing; I’m a little put of edge. The dog should have already made my presence known. What’s wrong? Dark thoughts make there way into the back of my head.
I slip my way down a little closer to the house. “There it is”, I almost sign with relief. The door opens and the dog stands barking on the porch. The secret fears of finding her in distress, or perhaps even worse, are pushed off for another day. “She’s ninety-two years old and still as independent and stubborn as ever. The thing is though, nobody lasts forever.” I shove these thoughts out of my head and return to my denial. How could there ever be an end to what I was about to greet? She’s so strong: So full of perseverance. How could this endurance end?
“Olge vait Mouse!” I yell at the dog. He only understands Estonian instructions. The dog quiets down as I grab a shovel and start scraping off the ice on the stairs. With this simple gesture completed, I let the dog back into the house and follow in his footsteps.
“Terra, Terra Vanaema!” my traditional greeting sings out, as I knock my wet shoes in the doorway. They squish a little when I step my feet onto the worn out linoleum floor. It’s not really a place you’d want to take your shoes off in. Although my great grandmother takes great pride in her house and property, she also takes great pride in her independence. There is no way she’d allow me to pick up a broom and do a few laps around the house. Perhaps a few cleaned dishes would be okay but beyond that, the house was her territory and unfortunately, it often got the best of her.
With outside work it was different. When the spring came, she’d be outside with five different projects on the go and the whole family would be under her careful hawk-eye. She would point her cane at certain branches to be cut or where the next onion should be planted. Potato furrows to dig and brush to burn; outside the work never ended.
But now it was winter. The cold air made her joints ache and the lack of “real chores” seemed to get the best of her. Without things to keep her busy, you could tell that it’s this season most that she longs for companionship outside of her dog.
My vanaema’s worn, wrinkled face lights up as she looks in my direction. She squints her old blue eyes, that seems as young as mine, and tries to make out who I might be. “It’s Jennifer,” I confirm. “Zenny,” she chimes in her thick, rich accent. Her face look a little less puzzled. I cup her well worked hands with both of mine and smile. As a child, I would greet her less respectfully, with a large hug and a peck on the cheek, but with age, she taught me dignity and grace.
I show her the now soggy newspaper and place it on the table. “Toivo here?” she asks eagerly in her broken English. My father, her grandson, has always been the favorite. As a child, my father spent most of his time with her, and even still today, he is the one who buys her the things she needs and does any repairs or chores she can’t manage. With six daughters to her name and no sons, it’s easy to see why she would take such special interest in him. To be honest, the two need each other. Like my great grandmother, my father too needs to keep busy and without her, I’m not sure what he would do. She looks a little disappointed when I say he’s at home but seems happy enough to have my company.
“Sit,” she encourages. I smile and place my coat over the seat of a chair covered in dog hair. Although the house was in need of a good spring cleaning, the place always made me feel comfortable and at ease; it’s homey and familiar. The table is cluttered with dried bulbs and seeds, papers and medications are scattered about and there’s a package of opened cookies right beside the Kleenex. The sugar bowl is the centre piece of the collection with a silver spoon as an accent. Along the large window is a shelf of plants. I notice the Christmas cactus is in bloom along with some other greens that I don’t know the names of. All of them are bright and thriving and it’s evident that her green-thumb is still at work even in this the harshest season.
The old wood stove, with pipe jetting down from the ceiling, makes the room feel cozy and warm. My grandmother has already brought in enough wood for the day and it’s piled up neatly in a box, against the wall. Lying beside the box is an old goose wing, used to sweep up the bark and woodchips left on the floor. I contemplate a quick tidy while her back is turned but rethink the move. I’m a guest and I don’t want to hurt her pride. She places another piece of wood in the belly of the stove. “Coffee?” she inquires. I nod and regret not bringing her a cake or some sweets to go with our drinks.
Her thick legs and ankles shuffle her ungracefully into the kitchen to bring me a cup. With each step she takes, I can almost picture long, unshakable roots reaching into the floor. Her composure is strong. To be continued.....

Thoughts List

2007-02-11T13:35:00.000-06:00

1. I hate car shopping.
2. The never ending filing at work makes me feel like a bee pollinating flowers.
3. My boyfriend is hot and I miss the eye candy. I can't wait to see him tonight.
4. It's strange that when people say they beleive in angels protecting them it's considered a social norm yet when someone believes a demon is possesing them it is a psycosis.
5. Althought we think we can measure time, when experienced, lived, in practice, time goes at its own pace. Like now work is going slow slow slow. And yet- my childhood seems to have been a month ago.
6. I drink too much coffee and it's bad for the stomach situation.
7. I miss my sister.
8. The song in my head is Jerusalem by Mirah
9. I think the drugs I'm taking for my back/neck/shoulder pain make me feel a little high.
10. I have a love/hate relationship with the snow.

Iced Road #2

2007-02-02T10:06:00.000-06:00

So I went and visited my friend yesterday. I brought her a care package: vitamin C, extra strength headache relief, tissues, junkfood, a flannel blanket and of course some movies to dull the senses. I felt a little akward going to her parents house because it was filled with family. I was actually shaking a little. There really are no words. They all fall short. When I saw Kelly I just hugged her and cried. I stayed for a few hours just taking things in but after a while I felt out of place so I hugged the three sisters goodbye and left.

This would have been a nice enough ending to my story but you see I needed to buy some food; the fridge was empty and so was my stomach. I went back into town bought out the store and continued on my way home. The roads were fine, it was daylight and I tee-boned a car going 70ish on a backroad. A little ironic after seeing my friend and all.

I was coming over this hill/knoll doing the speedlimit (70-80) and at the top I saw this car coming up to the stop sign on the right. It wasn't stopping. I used my horn and still the car did not stop. I swerved to the left to try and avoid it and then I teeboned her. Both air bags went off, I couldn't breath from the airbag gas and I could see the lady I had pinned in her car. I phoned 911 with my cell and was lost in my shock. It seemed to take forever for people to get to the scene. My car door was stuck and I couldn't get out. They brought my by ambulance to the hospital just to be safe. I'm fine- just a little back and neck pain. Nothing the T3's won't help with. The doc also gave me muscle relax drugs. The woman in the other car broke her collar bone and I think she needed some stiches. I feel so bad about her injuries but really it wasn't my fault. She was the one who ran the stop sign and I had right of way. It was a little scary talking to the cops. They make me nervous to begin with let alone being investigated by one. My car is done. I'll have to find a new one which sucks cause I just put in a new starter, plugs, battery and wires. I had to take the day off work too so now I'm losing money. I guess John will have to drive me to the funeral on Sat. and maybe I can borrow one of my parents cars for work next week.

What a messed up day.

Iced Road

2007-01-30T10:38:00.000-06:00

Last night both parents of one of my old childhood friends were killed in a car accident.

I have no idea what it would feel like to suffer, to bear, such a thing but I can imagine my friend is a little more than broken hearted. The news has made me melancholy, has heightened my senses , and is making today seem a little surreal. I cried a little but really such a loss deserves more from me. I hate it when death is diminished by “Christian sentiments” even out of good intentions. “We will meet them again someday” “They are in a better place” “God has a purpose for everything” Although true- it’s not the right place or time. People need comfort and sincerity not sentiments and overused words that could never reach across the gap of grief.
It’s been a few years since I last talked to my friend. (damn antisocial tendencies!) I’m not really sure how to take it from here. Maybe it would be more appropriate to try and patch up our friendship after the funerals. Go out for coffee. Give her a hug. The urge to call her today is SO strong but I have a feeling it would be better to wait.

Good-bye Mr. and Mrs. Knapp.
No longer in the here and now; at least not in the same way most are.

Good Ol' Jack

2007-01-15T12:22:00.001-06:00

I forgot how much I enjoyed the movie One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest.

Missing Stepping Stone

2007-01-14T10:17:00.000-06:00

I'm lacking routine, ritual and pattern. Things that once were instinctive and had proper place and times now must be concentrated on and jammed into life during down times. I hate being out of step without a regular routine. It's all because my work schedual is never the same. Guitar practice, Yoga, "reading time", devos, and yes even blogging have sadly become all mixed-up in my fruit salad. And even more depressing is that the majority of the fruit in my salad takes on the flavour of hospital mixed with a good dose of the sand that you find in your eyes.

Of Christmas? I enjoyed my one day off. Too many gifts but I'm still really greatful. I wonder when the idea of a gift became so monitary? What if I wanted to give/recieve an action instead of a thing/possesion? Make me breakfast in bed, do my laundry, invest a little of yourself, your time, because really time is far more of value than anything you could buy. Maybe next year I'll try and start the tradition. And I don't mean those cheesy coupons (Good for one free back rub. Good for one car wash etc.) you give to family when you have no money or are just being cheap. Honestly- whoever cashes those in? Instead of talk and plans- react. Be spontanious and sincere.

I guess that's the end of my rant.

On a nicer note: I think more people should ice skate. Although your ankles may complain a little- gliding across ice does great things for the spirit.

First time owner of a web cam

2006-12-08T15:08:00.001-06:00

Fun times.

Mood Music- Tune for a snowy day

2006-12-08T15:08:00.000-06:00

Khaela Maricich's (The Blow) cover of Devo's Snowball

My baby took our love
And then she rolled it up
Rolled it up a hill
Like a ball of snow
Like a snowball grows
Until it gets too big
Until she lost control
And it rolled back down
And it rolled back down
And it rolled back down
And it rolled back down

She took a tiny bit
And rolled it up again
Slower than before
She went a step too far
She had to let it go
I saw it go straight down
My baby turned around
Started up again
Started up again
Started up again
Started up again

Eyes were made for looking
Hands were made for holdin
Hearts were made for lovin
Lips were made for kissin
Legs were made for walkin
Tracks were made to follow
Thats what Im gonna do
Two tracks
In the snow
Two tracks
Up that hill
My heart broke
When my baby left
Two tracks behind

drinking wine, eatting popcorn and listening to floyd

2006-12-07T22:03:00.000-06:00

Another night sitting alone, unable to sleep.

At least momments like this make the thoughts roll round.

Short Story Sequence (One more try)

2006-11-21T13:20:00.000-06:00

Part 1 The Undertown

It seems lately, when I stroll my way through the streets at night, I find myself at the Undertown Café. It’s a small joint, originally owned by some local free spirit, now bought-out by some idealist with faith in the American Dream. There’s been talk of Live Music Wednesdays and bathroom renovations, neon signs and a new flavour of cheesecake. Changes they say, but so far it’s all been talk. You can tell the place has seen hardship, but I guess there are few of us who haven’t. My table is the small one in the corner; three legs, two chairs. If it‘s taken, I get my drink to go. When I walk, I walk alone and although the coffee is decent, I can’t say that’s what draws me. Most nights, I’m carrying the essentials: pen, notebook, novel, hairpin and a few coins for coffee. Most nights, I’ll bring along my old pink walkman and listen to the music I once fucked to; mellow tunes that bring me inspiration, but only when the notes hit me.
The Undertown is one of those places where you could run into just about anyone. It brings in the intellectuals from the library, the street walkers from the cold, and the young college students to sober up and cram for exams. Of course you also have the regulars. Routine is a hard thing to break and you can tell it’s riding the back of many, perhaps me included.
You’ve got the starving musicians, none under forty, who reminisce/brag of the few gigs they’ve played and then pull out a guitar and/or harmonica. Once in a while they’ll start up a sing-along and the whole place will be filled with vibrations. Up front, by the window, the young crowd “hangout”. High school cliques and girls done-up, look eighteen, giggle and gossip. They drink frothy lattés and bat long lashes when center stage stares are given. The baggy-jean boy (quarter-back perhaps?) was amongst their crowd but he’s not much around after he started dating the boy who works cash. Now he’s more often found at the counter-top. All lined up on their bar chairs, they chat about sports and current affairs. The Philo…..neo-**insert choice thought**…..sophical, flock to the couches, dropping names and debating Socrates, Mathus, Jung, Marx, you name it. Half are high, half are intimidated, and not a one wants to show it. Elite but not above the kids who work here and their friends who get discounts and the occasional give-away. Rounding out the room loom the loners. They come by themselves, not to socialize but to feel like they are. Reading books, people watching, occasionally being chatted up by one night drop-ins. Mostly it’s a getaway but you can tell a few might have motives.

Part 2 Connections and Motives
Motives. A hard thing to track; any law student or people watcher could tell you that. I tell myself, when I arrive, je suis, that I’ve come: to think, to write, to read, to watch. But truth be told, it’s not. I hide behind my book, my pen, with secret hopes of seeing him. Knowing fully well that flesh and blood might as well lie six feet underground. He won’t come.
The Undertown. Where I first saw Leon. Sitting. Reading. A casual drifter, seeking refuge from outdoors. Laid aside, on the patched hard floor, a shoulder bag with faux fur hidden on the underside of the strap. His worn wool cap with initials hand stitched in red sat on his knee playing a balancing act. It was cold that night. The mug on his table brimmed with black coffee steamed slightly, foreshadowing how much warmth there lacked inside. Of him: An engrossing figure, bohemian perhaps, eyeing me from the corner of Atlas Shrugged. There was something strange about those blue eyes and what lay behind them. Desire? Despair? Hate? Fear? A window to the soul, they say- but who were They to make such a universal claim. His gaze followed me as I walked to the counter for a refill.
As if I had been compelled by some childish dare, I glanced in his direction half expecting to make a connection that would go beyond a look or a stare. I imagined he would read me; word by word, deconstructed through hermeneutics. My flesh grew warm at the thought, undecided if such a moment would be considered an intrusion or intimacy.
With filled mug in hand, I floated back to my chair, picked up my novel and read words. Ideas lost, mind unfocussed, great imagery was reduced to a colour-by-number. I swallowed a mouthful of coffee and attempted to focus on the warm lump that moved down my throat. Resentment emerged as his silhouette transformed into a distraction; he was looking in my direction. The Undertown was my house of refuge; the one corner where I could expand on my thoughts and pick up on the ideas floating around in the air. I needed the place and it seemed entirely unfair that He should intrude on my territory. On the other hand, he did seem my type.

I thought of you today

2006-11-17T12:57:00.000-06:00

I spoke her name today; first in whisper and then aloud. The context doesn’t really matter. The point is there are things I miss and speaking her name, placing her into real time, is one of them. (Too often thoughts never make it into real time)

It’s strange how little difference there is between “love” and “hate” when it’s passion that pulls you. I’ve found the two almost indistinguishable. Yes you can label your emotions, your feelings, but really the world and our minds are torn between apathy and passion. When you are overcome with feelings, sensations, the distinctions are lost and all that’s left to contrast it is apathy. To truly hate something, you must feel nothing towards it. Maybe this is similar to the idea of the lukewarm being spit from the mouth of God. Be hot, be cold, be anything but lukewarm.

In the past, I had problems feeling certain “negative” emotions: or maybe is was a problem labelling them? When I finally recognized/felt “hate” (not as apathy) is was freeing and I found it so similar to the passions of love it confused me.

I watched Donnie Darko again today. I think I could watch that movie everyday and never get tired of it. I love the irony. I love the concepts of fate. The thoughts on time travel and the incredible sound track. I always come away with new thoughts and concepts after watching it.

One of the best movies ever!

Three Death Dreams

2006-11-14T23:31:00.000-06:00

I have died in my dreaming life three times.

Dream One.

I was lying in the middle of the road, I think on my back. It was night time. A car drove over my head. The realization came that I was dead. I woke up.

Dream Two

I was running through this jungle that was think and green. Ferns and tall trees. The brush would hit my face as I ran. I was being chased but by what, I don't know. Jumping over logs, falling and getting up, over ravines. Then the mud. Sinking in, being sucked down. Reaching up for something, anything. Drowning in the air. This was suffication. Again- the realization of death and my awakening.

Dream Three

This dream was more vivid and real than the others. It began as me taking the form of an inadimate object. I was a cup on this table trying to be like the other cups. I was hiding amoungst them. When I felt safe I became myself. Then the man/creature I was hiding from appeared. I tried to manipulate him by pretending to enjoy his company. He leaned towards me for a kiss. I kissed back. As the kiss began, he began to suck my soul, my inner being, out of me. Again it was like suffocation but worse. On a deeper level. This was more than a physical death, it was the distruction of me as a whole. I couldn't scream, I couldn't move and I was sucked empty. Death of the soul, death of the whole, only fear and terror.

Loss of the self.

Nancy Drew and the Case of the Missing Porn

2006-11-14T23:26:00.000-06:00

Tonight someone stole some porn from the movie store. No I have no evidence but logic tells me so. A man came in eatting a hamburger. He went into the "porn room" and I heard him pick stuff up and looking at it. When he left the building he went through the sensors but he made no sound. Why? I'm thinking he used the foil wrapper from the hamburger to wrap around the sensor. When he got in his car I saw him hold up the wrapper and it wasn't crumpled up like a used wrapper should be. It's sad when stolen porn becomes the highlight of your week.

Social Life- gone the way of the buffalo

2006-11-09T23:38:00.000-06:00

Working me raw to the bone; figuratively, unless you count the paper cuts. It’s ironic how patients charts documenting their injuries can injure me. I haven’t had a day off in a while and I’ve been pulling double shifts: ie. 8 hours at the hospital (plus 1hour 30min driving time there and back) then a closer at the movie store from 6:30 to close. I don’t get home until 12:00am or 1 depending on the closing shift. It’s like a 16 hour working day. I put my two week notice in at the movie store. Soon the chaos will be over.

Last week I had my beauty marks removed from my face. I had originally gone in just to get one removed from the corner of my eye cause it bothered me when I was tired. The doctor told me the others were “distractions” and convinced me that I might as well get all of them removed since I was getting the one done. It’s strange looking in a mirror and not seeing something. Mirrors are for observations, seeing things. It’s the lack of what I see that I am drawn to now.

Good things can take away from my time spent at the movie store? I am even more disillusioned with entertainment and this experience has completely convinced me that our society no longer genuinely desires to provide services because they want to benefit/aid society- They only want your money. The motives of the corporate/capitalist systems suck! As a worker, when I tried to genuinely help my customers by telling the truth, giving them credits, and not selling them things they did not need/want- I was punished, discouraged, belittled and was given warnings. A workers allotted hours for the next week would even be diminished if their “metrics” (sales) were low. ie. The greater your % of customer to upselling, the more hours you could work.

Boy am I glad to be getting out of there.

I Heart....

2006-10-23T23:45:00.000-05:00

I love driving in the dark when it's snowing. It always makes me feel like I'm flying in space at lightspeed or hyperdrive.

OCAP Protest. (Wish I could be there)

2006-10-19T12:37:00.000-05:00

POOR PEOPLE FIGHT BACK!

Another service closing……

COUNCIL FIRE SHELTER CLOSED!
60 beds lost!
More and More basic services are being taken
away-shelter, food, drop-ins are being closed in
the downtown core. Poor People Have A Right To
Housing! Homeless People Have A Right To Shelter And Food!

FIGHT BACK! HANDS OFF SERVICES!

On TUESDAY OCTOBER 24 we will be going to visit
the campaign offices of mayoral candidates to
demand more access to shelter, housing and food.

MEET AT ALL SAINTS DROP-IN 9:30AM TUESDAY OCTOBER 24
BUS LEAVING AT 10AM BACK AT 1PM

The joys of working two jobs.

2006-10-19T11:54:00.000-05:00

This morning, my supervisor at the hosiptal called me up and offered me a part-time position to cover a maternity leave for 1 year. I'm pretty sure this is on top of the casual relief position I'm already working. (I'm learning all the different positions in the Health Records depart. so I can cover for any and all of them- ie. if a part or full time position comes up for any spot, I'll already know how to do it.) Anywho, the hospital wants me to work a day shift tomorrow and I said yes cause the Movie store had me working a 6:00 - 10:00. So where's the problem? When I went into the Movie store to tell them about the new shifts I had picked up at the hospital, they had moved my shift tomorrow up to 1:00 because a girl quit and won't come in for her shifts this week. There is no one to cover this shift.

Break down:
a) I'm double booked tomorrow between 1-4pm.
b) Apparently the movie store had changed my shift back on Mon. and I should have seen it last shift. ????
c) No one at the Movie store can work this shift and the Manager has a court date concerning the abduction and killing of her daughter 10 years ago.
d) When I called the hospital my supervisor was already gone and I don't know if I can change the shift.
e) Putting money into the equation: 4 shifts at the hospital is equal to the pay of 2 weeks at the movie store.
f) I hate working at the movie store.

What to do....... Hmmmmmm...... If I don't hear back from the hospital then I'm going to.....

Oh! Just got the phone call as I was typing. I love it when things sort themselves out. Hospital shortened my shift 8-12pm so I can rush over to the crappy movie store for 1-10pm.

Good Stuff!

Twisting Nerves

2006-10-16T11:16:00.000-05:00

Today I start my new job at the Hospital as a clerk.

This is how I feel:
1. I'm nervous and don't know what to expect.
2. It feels good to be wearing something other than tan pants and a polo.
3. Anticipation/excitement/anxiety make my insides feel like they are on the swing ride at Wonderland.
4. I hope I don't come home smelling like "hospital".
5. I really really hope I enjoy the job.
6. The shift goes until 12am and I hope I don't get sleepy and mess something up.

Hmmmmmmm. I'm sure it will all go fine. A simple prayer usually does the trick to ease the nerves and calm the mind. Cheers to this beginning.

Snow squalls and dead dear

2006-10-12T11:10:00.000-05:00

The radio is calling for snow squalls today. Snow squalls? It's not even November! I brought in all my potted plants and lit a fire in the woodstove. The oil guy is coming on Friday to take a look at the furnace and give it a clean. Hasn't been done in years so I guess it's about time it gets done. Trouble is that the person the house was rented to before I moved in didn't fill the tank and so I have no oil to heat my house It's chilly.
In other news: There is a dead dear in the river behind my house. It looks like it was chased down by something cause it's hide is all torn up. Gross! I have to call someone to come and remove it. Maybe if the water levels rise a little it might wash down the river on its own. I have a well and don't have to rely on river water but towns like Walkerton get their fresh water from the river and it's dead dear like mine that pollute thier water sources. (That and lax farming regualtions) If I was braver, I would pull it out myself but then where would I put it? I wonder what they would say if I brought it to the local dump? The lady would charge me someting, pocket the change and then make me dump the poor animal into a hole. It's sad how hickish this place can feel at times.

Something I learnt today.....

2006-10-07T22:56:00.001-05:00

Killer whales can be divided into two different populations: Mammal eatting orcas and fish etting orcas. The fish eatting killer whales don't eat any mammals and the mammal eatting killer whales don't eat any fish. Apparently seals can tell the difference between the mammal eating killer whales and the fish eatting killer whales by the sounds they make. Different families of killer whales apparently have different dialects and some even have the appility to learn new sounds outside their normal dialect. (eg. this one orca could imitate the sound of a seal- it was a fish eatting orca and I guess it liked to socialize with seals.) What's really strange is that the fish eatting populations and the mammal eatting populations don't even live that far appart from each other and I'm sure share some of the same hunting ground.

Interesting. I wonder what makes one family/group of killer whales prefer a certain diet over another. Is it taste or just leant behaviour? And if it is learnt behaviour, how and why did the split begin? Does their unique dialects have anything to do with it? Can this split be evidence of orcas having different cultures?

Questions

2006-10-05T14:09:00.000-05:00

I don't feel very interesting right now. I've lost a little of my creative flare and when I walk, the normal roll of my heel does not seem so bouncy. I'm not claiming to be overly charming or intreaging in my normal status, it's just that this hum-drum feeling that's come over me of late is perhaps lessening my self-perceptions and thus all of my out-put feels unnormally drab. Is this considered depression? Unsatisfaction with things that you know you could do better at? It paralyses me. The desire to produce diminishes as the unsatisfaction grows and I find myself creating less and less. Is this self distruction? I guess the answer is to just soldier on. Suck it up buttercup and get over yourself. As long as the body is still alive the soul can't be too far. But then I wonder, can a soul die and leave it's body behind?

CBC Literary Awards

2006-10-05T12:50:00.000-05:00

For all those writers out there, check this out.

The CBC Literary Awards

is a contest open for non-published works. There are three different categories to enter in (fiction, creative non-fiction, and poetry) and the cost is only $20 an entry. Seems like fun.

I think I might enter something.

Roller-Coasting Through a Monday

2006-09-21T09:50:00.001-05:00

Last Mon. I went up to the Owen Sound hospital and took a couple of computer tests and a medical terminology test for a clerk position. I did really well and I pretty much got the job. I just have to go back up on Tues. for a physiacal/movement test. Anyway, right after I left the hospital, I was rear ended by a transport truck. I really came out lucky considering it was a transport truck. The damage wasn't as bad as it could have been and I came out of it with only a little headache and whip-lash. I've heard it was lucky to be pooped on by a bird. I wonder if being hit by a transport truck brings the same luck?

Return 2- Time and Direction

2006-09-15T22:46:00.000-05:00

While suffering from my not so uncommon insomnia the other night, I watched some late night talkshow where the host made some joke about a study that suggested that time could move backwards. To be honest I forget the punch line (something about a tv network being back on top again) but the thoughts about time being able to go backards stuck with me. Time can obviously only move in one direction ie. it can't go forwards and backwards at once. But what if it could at one point move forward and later go backwards and then move forwards- like some kind of ball with energy/force going up a hill. It gains energy and moves up this hill with great force and then loses some energy perpelling it down again BUT not reaching it's origianl point. Gaining back it's energy/force by it's down movement, it is propelled again forward- repeating this process again and again. Time must progress but what if the speed of the progression is not always constant? -thus making us go back in time every so often or making momments seem to last forever. This would account for all those crazy deja vu moments and fortune telling. Perhaps even ghosts and the collective memories/ideas. Perhaps this theory can even account for when I can't find my keys and I look eveywhere and turn to the first place that I know I already looked and they are there again. Obviously these shifts in time would not be fully remembered by us consiously- but perharps in the locked up cracks in our minds that leak when we least expect.

Desperate times call for desperate measures

2006-09-11T15:43:00.000-05:00

In light of my decreased savings and unhappy borrowing circumstances, yesterday I made a resolution to lower my job standards. I woke up this morning printed off a dozen copies of my resume and headed off into town to paint the fences with my face. Retail or fast-food here I come! The first place I went into was Movie Gallery. I smiled, filled out the application and was interviewed on the spot. Yes it‘s true , I am now the proud owner of a part-time minimum wage job at a movie rental store. Free rentals and privileged pre-viewings- I’m living la viva loca. Oh well, at least I will have some income while I’m trying to find something better.

To be humble, to rid yourself of unhealthy pride is a very important thing. I have to be honest that it was hard for me to come to this point. I would never criticize or demean people who worked in retail or fast-food. I always thought I was great for them, especially if that’s what they enjoyed. I tried so hard to avoid the stigma that being in such a position was bottom rung- especially for people not in high school/college and I believed it or at least I thought I did. For some reason though, I could not bring myself to work at such a place. I think it was my pride. I hate admitting I have been taken in by stratification but it looks that way. Maybe I just have goals that seem far removed from the up-sale world of consumerism. Anyway, I start tomorrow with my new tan pants, polo shirt and under twenty co-workers. At least the phrase “would you like fries with that?” is not involved.

On Being Human

2006-09-10T07:40:00.000-05:00

Human nature and the roles we are to play can be a complex thing. We have been created as mediators between this physical realm and the spiritual- one foot in each. Balancing the two is so challenging. Allowing our spiritual to influence our physical is hard enough on it’s own account let alone uniting the two in the opposite direction. With this in mind, it seems so unnatural to die; To separate our physical bodies from our spiritual souls. I’m not trying to suggest a Platonic separation- really I have no idea/clue as to what really happens when we die- I do believe though, that death does separate us in an unnatural way. Product of the fall, we have overtime come to see death as a natural thing. We even go as far as saying that to live forever would be unnatural. The fountain of youth stories- eg. Tuck Everlasting- always conclude that to desire to live forever is a fallacy, a fantasy that if achieved would be unsatisfactory and unnatural. What these stories so often forget/neglect is the spiritual side to things. Why is life so connected to the physical? Oh- but we often say “The spirit lives on.” “Their soul has gone to a better place.” Is it natural for a soul to be without a body? We were created united with our souls. Why would it be natural for us to be separated in the end? Was Christ separated from his body in the end? This leads me to consider a holistic means of living; Attending to both my physical self/surroundings and my spiritual self/surroundings. The two are united in a way that I have not yet fully explored.

2006-08-30T15:37:00.000-05:00

A list of things that are getting under my skin......

1. Bell Canada. They have been on my dooms-day list in the past but it's worse than ever. I've had my account for over 4 months now and I still have not recieved one bill yet. I've called them numerous times and each time they reassure me that they are resending the bills but I never receive them. When I try and make an account on their website, I go in circles and can never fully registar for online bill payment. I got my account number out of one Bell lacky and tried to set up bill payment through my online banking. Cross your fingers that this works cause the $300 bill looming over my head is killing me.

2. Bathroom Tile Project. I've been putting tiles in my bathroom and it has taken way longer than I had projected. I've been bathing instead of showering and it sucks. As well, I'm a bit of a perfectionist and although I should let up a bit considering it's the first time I've ever tiled, the corners in my bathtub do not line up exactly. Others tell me it looks good- but I know it's a little shaddy.

3. Cat named Inu. My cat likes to jump on my head in the morning when he is hungry. He'll bite my ears and make growling noises until I get up. Then he'll attack my feet all the way to the kitchen until he's happy and feed.

4. Lack of Job. I am starting to feel the strain (both in the wallet and in the head) of being unemployed. Although I keep busy, it's frustrating to put out resumes and not hear back. Perhaps it's my answering machine. It's been acting up. *sigh*

5. Lawn Care. It takes over two hours to mow my lawn with a riding lawn mower and about the same amount of time is needed with a weed wacker. My flower beds are in disarray and I have too many logs/fallen trees just laying around waiting for a chain-saw to chew them up. I lost a bolt on my chain-saw and have to replace it before I can do this. Specialty store to buy specialty part :( As well, fall is here leading quickly enough to winter and I still have to split a big pile of logs. (My muscles already hurt thinking about it)

On an up note: It's a beautiful day and I can put my laundry on the line. Mmmm fresh laundry.

The Communal/Independent Struggle

2006-08-24T10:40:00.000-05:00

It's strange the struggle that I, and perhaps many in the North American culture, have between being an individual with independence and our group/network reliance. As I child, I longed for a time when I could claim to be fully independent and not rely on others (perhaps due to guilt manipulation by certian people making me feel more of a burden than an aid or my role as caregiver to those who should have given care to me but let's skip the therapy classes). Today I claim to be quite social and recognize the need for community support and reliance. I spurn the lack of the communal in our culture and recognize the idol-like attention given to the individual. And although I support our social structure, spread the little wealth I have, and open myself with acions for others, there is still a part of me that would rather give than recieve. It's like I can dish it out but can't take it.

What leads to this independent individualist action? Is it my pride? The guilt of the undeserving? Why is it so hard to let others help me? Some might be saying this is a good thing. You're a servant and show genuine love but maybe this is another element of how love can go wrong. It is, in a way, selfish to continually give love without accepting it from others. You are not allowing others the pleasure of having thier love recieved. Others might say that I am being communal and supporting the people around me- but I would argue that my actions are more individualist and independent than anything else. How so? I am placed in a power position when I am the one giving rather than recieving. This brings me satisfaction and reaffirms that I can do things for myself. Although I can come before God feeling weak, needing help, it's strange that I can not come to my fellow brethren for the same service. It must be very hard for the people around. This is not to say that I do not show gratitude- for this I do feel quite deeply. Sometimes the simplest deeds done for/to me can make me brake out in tears.

Goal for the upcoming week- Allow myself to be loved by accepting love from others and ask for help/things when I not only need but also want them.

Goodbye Lindz and Morg.

2006-08-22T10:01:00.000-05:00

This past weeking I helped Lindz, one of my very closest and dearest friends pack up her things and sent her off on a plane back to California. Linz and her husband Morg. are two of the most amazing people you will ever meet. They are both extremely passionate and have a zeal and love of Christ that has always been inspirational to me.

I am reallly going to miss listening and talking with Morg. as he really has a talent for saying what needs to be said and not lightfooting around issues. He is a beautifully intense person who always has a strong presence in any room. Not only does he have great a taste for film and culture, his understanding of love and the Christian walk has really challenged me, maturing me in ways that might not have been possible without his input. I don't know if I've ever really thanked Morg. for the impact that he has had on me or for the love and friendship he has extended but I really hope he knows that I am greatful and will miss him terribly.

Linz is one of the most gentle, sweet and beautiful people I think I've ever meet. Her words and friendship have inpacted me in the most needed ways and I know it will be very different/difficult to not have her around. She has been my support beam and ear to wisper into. She has been a guide and a book full of wisdom. She has been an example to me and a blessing that has truly been overflowing. My sister in Christ and I am going to miss her very very very much. I hate it when words can not discribe things properly and that's how I feel about Lindz. It's like anything I tried to discriber her as would limit her and make her something less.
Somethings about Lindz.....
*Her faith is so real and beautiful that she never feels as ease and is always striving to grow closer to Christ and his love.
*She wants a pet turtle
*She has a love of others that is self-evident in her actions
*She likes to dye her hair pink and has the most beautiful butterfly tatoos up her arm and around to the back of her neck
*She wants to reflect chirst in all her roles (friend, wife, daughter, sister etc.)
*She has been a ture friend to me and has understood me. I feel like I have a connection to her that I have had with very few people.
*She eats alot of her food with her fingers and puts crackers in her salads. She is an amazing vegetarian cook and ever so modest about it too.
*Smart, beautiful, thoughtful, godly, cute, cheerful, words, words, words. Big fish- bigger than life. You have to meet her to honestly understand. Morg. is honestly the luckest man to have such an increadable wife.

Good luck to both of you.

Return

2006-07-21T18:18:00.000-05:00

My sister just returned from her trip. She left when I was still in Korea so I hadn't seen her in over a year. In lieu of her return and the birthday I missed, I gave her a a little package last night. It included: a Dick Tracy sticker book, Korean bookmarks, "Howl's Moving Castle" and an Ayn Rand book that I really like called "We The Living". Oh yah, I wrapped all this in the pages of a comic book call "Savage Henry".

The word return is interesting. It's one of those loaded words; the mood and understanding behind it all depends on context and history. I think in everyones life, there are things we would like to return to, things we wish we could have once again and things we wish we didn't have to abandon. It's the soldier returning home, the lost boy finding his mom, the visit to your childhood town. With these things we long/enjoy our returning. Juxtaposed to this is our desire to escape a return by seeking out the new, finding a way to change and to break away from habits/routine. There are many things we would never want to return to (moments in time perhaps) and many realities we wish we didn't have to return to ie. a crappy job or homelife. We desire or despise to return to things of our past. Return is a reflective word. You can not return to some place, something, that you have never been and although often you are the one who has the choice to return, sometimes it is impossible to escape a return or to inable one.

Unemployed

2006-07-20T08:24:00.000-05:00

This (almost) socially unacceptable fact is what I'm facing. Although it gives me more time to do things around the house/property ie. tile the bathroom, take down wallpaper, fix up flower beds etc. I still need to pay the bills. Also it sucks when I run into people I know cause it's inevitable they will ask "So what 'cha doing now?" and I'll answer with some coy remark about my past work accomplishments and how I couldn't avoid the now unemployed position I'm now in because I did such a thorough job on the project.
John's staying with me for a few days. I really enjoy my mornings with him around;It's nice to see the person you love right when you wake up. It's like starting the day with a sniff of cocaine. Ok so I don't really know what that's like but I can image. This morning on the menu is blueberry pancakes and a half and half mixture of coffee substitute and the pure gold caffine enriched coffee. (I'm trying to wean myself of the cafinee adiction) My cat Inu (Eeeenew) will be having tuna. If you look on the side of the cat food can at the lack of real food you'll see why.

Soaking up Surroundings

2006-07-12T07:53:00.000-05:00

I was looking over some old papers I wrote when I was back in school and I think I have gone down hill in the "smarts" department. This makes me wonder how much our environments really effect our thinking and processing. I am convinced that we have the ability to feed off each others ideas without even talking about them and when you surrond yourself in an envirnoment where people are in disscussion and searcing out answers- you are bound to pick up on some things just floating around in the air. Maybe it has something to do with stimulation too. I miss the classes and discussions. I miss the coffee hangouts and the indi. films. I miss the culture and diversity. Wine, walks, and energy. Urban centres really are a hub for the intellect, poet, and musician- bohemian lifestyle. This is not to say that my environment here is not stimulating/feeding me in its own way; Nature always brings something very special out of me. A peace within and occationally an euphoric high. I'm feed with an emotional intellegence rather than intellect.

These thoughts lead me to the longing of a church community too, that I can surround myself with and "pick up on the ideas floating around in the air". While at school, my home church disbanded (It's a long story ending with the pastor becoming a truck driver) and I (un)fortunately learned theology and have a stong longing to sink my teeth into it some more. The Babtist church that some of my old congregation goes to has a lot of things going for it (The community is very welcoming and the sermons are very "practical" for everyday living) but then the theology issues come up. It's hard to have connections, find relations, within a church community that I have lost touch with.

Problems with rural Churches:

1. There is a lack of diversity in denominations. Although I do like unity of thought and the fellowship like minded people can hold, diversity is important too. Diversity leads to disscussion and change and allows people to choose where they fit in. For example: I like the Baptist church and some of the theology they engage in but I feel my beliefs and ideas about things would aline in a different denomination. The problem: There is no congregation in this rural area of the denomination I would like to attend.

2. Travel and distance issues. If you live in a rural area it is essential that you have some mode of transportation. Car=ideal Horse=useful Tractor=slow but efficient Bike=exhusted and not really practical Feet=ain't going to cut it The closest town to my house is a 30 min. drive by car. The church that I would like to attend is a 50 min. drive by car. Don't even get me started on gas prices and where all this leaves the "marginalized" sectors. Rural churches need to set-up travel aid programs and car pooling/taxi services because public transportation does not exist.

3. Churches can become almost too personal. Occationally a sermon can be (mis)directed at certain members or famillies in a congregation leading to hurt feelings and pointing fingers. Private issues always seem to become public knowledge and this can do more harm than good when people are marginalized, shunned, and brought to the slaughter. Not everything should be public knowledge!

4. Tradions and lack of change. Ok so not all rural churches have this problem. Within some congregations there have been great lengths taken to incorporate "things of youth" into services and to contextualize/make relevant some "things of old". But- rural communities in general are far more "traditional" in many ways of thinking and are still slow in some practices. Close knit traditionalists don't want to see change and because so many of the rural churches are "personal" there are often popularity/friendship contests in favour of keeping things the way they are vs the newcomer-outsider with "strange" ideas.

5. Lack of interest groups and special classes Because most rural churches are very small in size, they do not always have the resources to obtain youth pastors, assistant pastors, interest group leaders, program instructors, teachers etc. When a church leans so heavily on a single pastor for all their needs- he (I use he because she is very untraditional and is not often found) can quickly burn out. Congregation members can not always find the resources they need for the issues they are facing. Young chirtians are continually lumped with matured chirtians leading to either lessons that are "over peoples heads" or "basic salvation- become saved". (I find it's more often the "become saved" because there is not enough resources for people to expand on thier thoughts/theology to really become mature and expand their faith)

I'm sure there is more but I'm suppose to be working. Last week with Brockton Trails- so much to do, so little time, so many distractions

...... and so I find myself here,

2006-07-11T10:19:00.000-05:00

a strange place to be; inside of myself. Examination, contemplation, leading to exasperation. Unrest if you will. You could blame it on a some physical flux; mood swings and monthly cleansings but I question that. It's a time for a change- new job, new patterns, new time to wake-up. Take up: old habits, old longings, old glory days of stories unfinished. I think I need to be in motion. Twirl around on the front lawn, roll my thoughts down hills and feed the fish. Take time out for myself. You have no clue how hard I wish I could travel; beyond my thoughts and wishes, make things happen, break free from my mind/circumstances...... but this is where I find myself.

The Same Old Struggle

2006-07-10T08:07:00.000-05:00

Romans 7 14-25
We know that the law is holy. But I am not. I have been sold to be a slave of sin. I don't understand what I do. I don't do what I want to do. Instead, I do what I hate to do. I do what I don't want to do. So I agree that the law is good. As it is, I am no longer the one who does these things. It is sin living in me that does them. I know there is nothing good in my sinful nature. I want to do what is good, but I can't. I don't do the good things I want to do. I keep on doing the evil things I don't want to do. I do what I don't want to do. But I am not really the one who is doing it. It is sin living in me.
Here is the law I find working in me. When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. Deep inside me I find joy in God's law. But I see another law working in the parts of my body. It fights against the law of my mind. It makes me a prisoner of the law of sin. That law controls the parts of my body.
What a terrible failure I am! Who will save me from this sin that brings death to my body? I give thanks to God. He will do it through Jesus Christ our Lord. So in my mind I am a slave to God's law. But in my sinful nature I am a slave to the law of sin.

Blowing Candles

2006-07-09T20:22:00.000-05:00

So today is my birthday. I guess that's a worthy cause to write about. It's strange how things change when you get older. I remember a time when just having a birthday was exciting on its own account. Becoming older was something you would strive for and if your younger sister had her bithday before you- there was always the worry that she just might catch up. It was nice to have it on a weekend this year. It gave me the day to think about stuff and just enjoy it for what it was. My birthday wish this year was to have a picnic; I really didn't want anything else, just that. John thought it would be a good idea to have it on Center Island, in Toronto. The day was honestly perfect. After Church, we went to the store and picked up pizza buns, raspberries, oranges, apples, jubejubies and drinking boxes; an ideal picnic assortment. (John also bought me "Run Lola Run"- a movie I adore but never got around to buying- on the fly cause it was in a discount bin) We grabed our blanket and backpack (as well as a slingshot and marbles, but we never got around to using them)and headed out to the Island.

Conclusion: It was a beautiful day.

Things I enjoyed:
*spending time with John
*seeing seagulls try to look all puffy and intimidating
*listening to a small child trying to sing her ABC's
*seeing the smiles on the faces of people being "harassed" by Italian soccer fan cheers
*watching a flock of birds move like some kind of Gestalt picture
*listening to a sermon about the struggle with our minds, deeds and sinfulness
*sitting under a willow tree- one of the most beautiful kinds of trees there are
*sitting in a Timmy's and watching 6 bike cops come in
*watching a small boy running after a gander of geese while being photographed by his father
*the wind in my face on the ferry
*hearing so many different languages in such a short time span

Thoughts on Indifference and Love

2006-07-05T11:29:00.001-05:00

Even though the world seems to have gotten smaller with all our connections, commnications, travel abilities etc., I would argue that in a way it has gotten bigger- and this is a problem. I think people only have the ability to hold genuine concern and care -real love- to that which is personal.
bigger world = less indepth knowledge = less personal
When things are impersonal, it's far easier to feel indifferent. (Or perhaps obsess over unknowns but that's a different blog) I guess you could make argument that not knowing about something in the first place makes you far more indifferent so that now in our knowledge/enlightenment, we can have far more fervor and passion than ever before about more things. But perhaps our knowledge of the world's "going-ons" actually diminishes the amount of passion/love we should hold for our own local communities/reality and props up our ability to feel indifferent towards things we should feel more towards. We thin ourselves out and can't devote as much love as we should. As well, the more things we are enlightened to- the more we intentionally feel indifferent towards. For example- I hear about a landslide that kills thousands of people across the world. Sure I could send them some money to help in thier rebuilding and what not and then I could feel good about not being indifferent but after my cheque has been sent is this landslide and the individuals it has impacted going to be a big concern for me? No, I'll become indifferent. Have I diminished thier plight, made it less dramatic and immense, taken away some dignity, by suggesting my money will solve thier problems? I'm not saying that aiding in disaster relief is not a worthy cause, I'm suggesting that if I really wanted to be loving I'd move to the community were the landslide happened, get to know the people, get my hands dirty and help them- with them. Make it personal. Ok- not so probable- How many people really want to relocate? That means we should start with our own communities. Our communities might not have the same kind of "disasters" we hear about on the news but you've got to recognize they are not perfect. We are so indifferent to our own reality that we often don't know the names of our neighbours let alone the names of the local families that are stuggling. We have become impersonal and so we are indifferent.
How do we make life/reality personal? How can our relationships become real?

It's a boy!

2006-07-05T07:47:00.000-05:00

My very good friends-Barb and Eddie-just had thier baby; a little boy whom they named Christian Alexander. They were due on July 10- the day after my b-day so I guess they are a little early. Does this make me an Auntie? I can't wait until he's old enough for me to feed him lots of candy and to indoctrinate him with my vegetarian ideals.

Congratulations guys!

Paradise

2006-06-19T12:59:00.000-05:00

At my house, sometimes in the morning, when the air is cool and smells of the moist creek, it feels like I'm steping out into paradise. The dew is damp on the pale flower petals and the sun is just starting to reach over the tips of the trees. A holy moment. And when you breath, your lungs overflow with this thick sweet juice that you can't hold in or get enough of. Your ears are sung with the talk of birds and water dancing or maybe fighting with the creek bed. Overused metaphors can't capture the intensity nor the simplicity of it all. It only is. And the only thing you can do is drop to your knees in awe and take it in, as much as you can hold. God it's beautiful.

Post about Work- Everyone does it at least once.

2006-06-15T08:21:00.000-05:00

So my time here at work is coiming to an end soon. My project is almost over and after the Grand Opening on July 3rd, I'll have to get my act together and start looking for a different job. This is not really a bad thing. There are a million different things I would rather do than this job. On a cool note- Our MPP Bill Murdock-
As quoted by Wikipedia

"Murdoch's political philosophy is somewhat eccentric, and defies easy summarization. Although a rural populist and former supporter of the now-defunct Canadian Alliance, Murdoch is also an admirer of Fidel Castro, Che Guevara and Louis Riel. He has never been afraid to criticize his own party, whether in government or opposition. He opposed the Harris government's decision to cancel the province's spring bear hunt, and claims that he was fired from a parliamentary assistant position after calling for more free votes in the house. He is also known as one of the most socially conservative members of the Ontario assembly, and once threatened to block unanimous consent for a same-sex benefits bill brought forward by the Harris government."

- will be attending my Grand Opening along with the Warden of Bruce County, Ron Oswald. If I get a chance to chat it up with the MPP maybe my next job will be in politics :)

Ghastly Grannies

2006-06-07T11:34:00.000-05:00

There is far more serious crime committed against the poor than done by the poor. It makes me so bitter to hear people complain about panhandlers, streetpeople, squeegee kids, prostitutes, drug addicts, minorities/immigrants etc. being "the problem". Who are the people most likely/easily to be taken advantage of? Who are the people least likely to be noticed or heard if they are taken advantage of?

I heard about this article "Ghastly Grannies" on the CBC this morning. It's "funny" how the death of these two men were thought of as accidental and not as hit and runs. I wonder why that would be? (roll my eyes) Their deaths were never investigated and it was by chance/luck that the full details came into light.
Ghastly Grannies

Prostitutes are another one of those groups that seem to get little aid when thier backs are up against the wall. cough cough Pickton cough cough as well as indiginous women. Amnesty International has huge concerns about this issue in Canada and I can't help but to agree.
Amnesty International

I wish that white-collar crime was taken more seriously and that more equal concern s taken for all parts of our society. There needs to be far more recognition of crimes against the poor not by the poor.

Names

2006-06-07T08:40:00.000-05:00

I was given a kitten last night. Now I have the tedious job of naming it. I was looking around at names and came across this article
Unusual Names

My favorite name change is
this one.

I still don't know what to name the kitten.

Interesting Listen

2006-06-06T09:17:00.000-05:00

Psalters
Take a listen

I'm liking it!

6.6.06- Nice Try Dooms Day Fanatics

2006-06-06T07:55:00.000-05:00

I think I might be a minimalist. This is not an active choice- I decide to be- thing, it's more of a self-realization. My sister told me a story about a self proclaimed minimalist she knows. You should ask her about it sometime if you ever get a chance. The guy's a real character and I could see myself writing about him. Imagine- someone boasting about being a minimalist- funny stuff. Anyway, I've been living in my house for about a month now and I still have no curtains, my walls are bare and my food supply is low. Does this bother me? No not really. I kind of like the lack of "stuff". Perhaps I'm just not a fan of decor. or maybe I'm too lazy to try and put together things that "look nice" either way, I know I don't like clutter. This is not to say I'm not a visual person. Actually my senses go on overdrive all the time. Maybe I just see simple beauty.

When I do get around to decorating my place, I'm going to have a house warming party; Maybe tell everyone to bring thier tents and a bottle of wine or two. It would be nice as an excuse to get old friends and new all together. It's nice to have things to look forward to.

Happy Birthday!

2006-06-06T07:44:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to my little sister. She turned 22 yesterday. Right now she's down-under hanging with the wallabies.

Interesting Read

2006-06-01T08:11:00.001-05:00

Metaphoric connections: Holistic science in the shadow of the Third Reich

Author: Harrington, Anne

READ IT

Draw My Fine Lines

2006-05-29T10:55:00.000-05:00

It's funny how hard I try to fight against indifference/apathy. Empowering things with my feelings/thoughts towards them. In a way these, indifference and apathy, can be very useful. It would be very nice to be able to disconnect myself from the things around me, the feelings I have towards things, once in awhile, to have peace in my mind and not "feel" so much. Numb; I know that feeling but havn't spent much time there as of late. There are a number of things I wish I had no feelings/thoughts towards/about. The more I think about them, the more it empowers them. Sorry folks, these things will remain only in my mind...

...but I'm sure everyone has something they wish they could abandon and feel nothing towards.

Gestaltism/ Organic Holism

2006-05-25T08:55:00.000-05:00

Gestalt Psycology

has contributed in great lengths to nationalism and state politics. Not only did the transference of this philosophy contribute to Natzi Germany and the persecution of all parts of society that were not part of the productive "organic" people, it also lead to ingrowth and the rejection of diversity/individuality within all the different fields of study durring that time.
When looking at 9/11 and the language Bush uses, I can't help but notice the same principles being applied yet again. There is a real US vs THEM feeling. There is no grey, only Good or Bad. You are in "The Pattern" or not part of it.

Quotes:
"If you're not with us, you're against us."

"We will make no distinction between the terrorists who committed these acts and those who harbor them."

"When the terrorists and their supporters are gone, the people of Afghanistan will say with the rest of the world: Good riddance."

The United States is dealing with an enemy so evil that they want "to kill all Americans, kill all Jews, and kill all Christians."

"We wage a war to save civilization itself. We did not seek it, but we will fight it and we will prevail."

Now what happens when Gestaltism is transfered into Christianity? Perhaps this is where the evangelical tradition picked up its speed. Saved VS Sinner The Body of Christ VS Pagans Christians as a mass must go out and "convert" the world. Not that I don't beleive there is a place for this but it leaves very little room for the work of the Holy Spirit and it places way too much importance on Humanity and the human efforts to "Save the world".

The problem with Gestaltism is that we fill in the missing pieces of the puzzles that we see/make. We find our own patterns, try to fill in the missing blanks and come up with our own conclusions. How do we know who has the right pattern? How do we know the pieces we are trying to put into our patterns really fit? Worldviews... who has the right one and how do you prove it?

Metaphorically, we all see the world as a puzzle. You know the kind we use to put together as children. Many different pieces make up a picture of our own personal realities. But we all share in certain pieces of our puzzles. Perhaps there are some puzzle piece that are the same and can be found and fit in everyones puzzles. These universal puzzle pieces must be some form of absolute reality and we use Gestalt theory to fill the rest in. I would argue that these universal puzzle pieces are really creational, God Knowing, universals. When we are in dialouge with others, we must search out these universals and gain what God given knowledge they provide and recognize them in our own puzzles. We must not dismiss the whole of anothers worldview but try and find/search out what they have to offer.

Can anyone contain the whole picture, claim to see the whole elephant, in their worldview? I think only our creator can lay claim to that vantage point.

Pain in my side turns into pain in my ass

2006-05-24T10:22:00.000-05:00

I was at the Emerg. last night for some sharp pain that has become common enough for me to warrent going to the Emerg. (I hate hostpitals. They should have been included on my last post list)it seems I have a gall bladder desease. Though rare amoungst the young,healthy weighted, vegetarian population, I guess my gender and family history have caught up with me. So instead of my regular freezer food cheesy pasta lunch or occational pizza bun, I am having mashed potatoes and beats. The beats are turning my mashed potatoes into a lovely pink colour and are said to be good to eat when having gall bladder problems. I've also started taking some flax seed oil and apple cider vinegar. I'm going to have an ultra-sound sometime soon and then discuss options with my doctor.

Yuck! Gall Bladder full of stones

Most advice about gall bladder desease says to lose weight, avoid fatty greasy foods, dairy and red meat-
a) I'm not over weight! and b) I'm a vegetarian who drinks soy milk!
I'm not really sure what else to do.

Good-bye Jump Start Jolt

2006-05-23T09:20:00.000-05:00

*Sigh*

I always seem so productive in the mornings but then start to fade by afternoon. Directionless on so many levels. I think I distract myself on purpose.

Anyway, a list of things I don't like:

* clowns
* ground beef (meat in general but this is worst)
* surgery on t.v.
* spelling bees
* sand in my bathing suit
* wet wool
* stratification
* snakes
* car horn honkers
* exploded pens
* toothpaste left in sinks
* blackflies
* money
* talking on telephones and/or cell phones
* elitists
* indifference
* wrist watches (except for my cool Astro-Boy watch)
* toe-nail eatters
* McDonalds
* fuzzies on my teeth
* old nail polish remains on my fingers/toes
* guilt munipulation
* people who clear thier throats a million times

Polygamy in BC

2006-05-17T07:28:00.000-05:00

The CBC is covering a story about polygamists being persecuted in BC

. Interesting.

Many communities would crumble if polygamy wasn't in place. How so? Well polygamy is an intersting social set up that allows for many wives to be taken by one man. (or I guess many men to be taken by one woman but most cultures don't highten a woman's status enough to make this feasible or necessary.) So why is this a good thing? Well many of these cultures/places where polygamy has been ingrained are very poor, there are higher and younger death rates and men are in socially higher positions. This makes for single women and widows to be in a very difficult position. If a woman is not married and cared for within a family unit, in order to support themselves, many of them turn to prostitution or other degrating occupations. They become street people. This is one of the main reasons poygamy is so popular within these cultures. Not only does polymagy provide women with a future/home but it also helps to ease the workload in households. Instead of one woman trying to do all the chores (and in these societies, the "chores" take A LOT longer to complete due to lack of technology and resources), many women can work together to ease the workload.

Polygamy has been around since ancent days (Weren't King David and King Solomon polygamists?) and I would suggest it is more biblically founded than certain other "marriage" practices, you know the ones I'm talking about. But I do think we should be leary of it within societies/cultures where the social structures have bled out its necessity. I think it is an athentic quest to question polygamist motives and I also wonder where the lines of tradition should be drawn. This idea of tradition can be a big problem. Just because certain cultures have traditions, it doesn't mean these traditions are Biblically founded outside of their own cultures and/or cultural worldviews. (This thought goes back to an idea about the Bible's contextualization within different cultures making things ie. polymagy acceptable in certain contexts and not others. Spirit of the law and letter of the law might also come into play.) Perhaps this is also a Canadian problem. Canada is a country built on acceptance and tolerance. We are known for our patchwork. We are a county of immigrants, immigrants with different histories and worldviews. How do we divide up the traditions and deem some "good" and others "bad"? Very difficult to do in a "governed county" setting.

Anyway, I wonder if the next issue we will be facing in the degration of the Biblical term "marriage" in Canada is the legitimacy of polygamy. Not so likely with Conservities at the hull but it's something to keep an eye on.

I wonder if they're issued to our soldiers?

2006-05-12T10:10:00.000-05:00

Technology I'd support.

It's a marshmallow gun!

The simple life and I'm not talking Paris Hilton

2006-05-12T07:50:00.000-05:00

I'm really not a big fan of technology. And although I'm sure it has a little to do with my lack of computer skills, this veiw is also supported by my observations. With the increase of technology, theoretically, people have been able to compact more work into smaller amounts of time. Now I know many people might say that's a good thing; people are created with a good desire to do work and work can be a means to make money and survive. If it can "shorten" the time and effort spent in work then it can't be a bad thing.
My problem with technology comes into play when it compounds our desires to "do as much as we can" into an idol of sorts, becoming the leading "tool" for our working greed. What happens to all this extra spare time we are left with when we use technology? We end up doing something else with it. This is not always because we desire to do something else, this is usually because society has ebraced technology, engulfed it, so much to the extent that our lives have become "fast paced" as the result. Not only that, this fast paced lifestyle has lead our over worked society to become disillusioned with the idea of work so that the majority of people in the working force hate thier jobs. They work, not for the pleasure of it, but to get thier paychecks or to enjoy "free time". This is a twisted concept of what work was created to be. This also propels the problem of escapism and our society's worship of entertainment, not to mention substance abuse.
Technology also marginalizes certain sectors of society. For example, my neighbour came over the other day for help with his resume. He is an older man, late 40's early 50's, and in the trades. He had never written a resume in his life. Back in the "old days" you could just walk into a place, shake thier hand, and they'd give you a job. (Really this wasn't so long ago but because of the radical leap in technology, standards changed.) He has NO computer skills and wanted to hand in his resume on a hand written piece of lined paper. Does this guy have a chance? Even though he has many years under his belt in the trades, it would be next to impossible to get a job with a hand written resume in todays technologically inhanced playing field. I don't think my dad even knows how to turn off a computer let alone use one effectively. *sigh*

There's something to be said of limiting technology and doing things for youself. Maybe the Mennonite tradition has something to teach us here. I attended a mennonite church in Hamilton for awhile and found the congregation really to my liking (perhaps because of by baptist upbringing?). They were communal in that they were very socially active in the community (helping the poor and marginalized), passive/ anti-war (which came across as humble and peace loving) but more relevant to this blog is that they tried to live simple lives. They didn't try to abandon technology, they tried to limit it. They recognized that sometimes technology could complicate a life rather than make it simple.
And to behonest- I think planting some of your own vegetables can be a much more simple and rewarding process than going to the store and buying them. I think making something with your hands can bring glory to God through your own creation. I think walking places is beter for the environment and an excellent way to see and embrace the beauty in the world around you. Stoping in for a visit instead of a phone call (or email!!!), washing dishes by hand with a loved one who's drying by your side, having a bon-fire and sharing your roasted goods

There are so many ways to limit your technology and get more out of the life we were created to live. I think it's time that we realize the beauty and enjoyment that can be found in work and that we should search out the necessary ways to reform and embrace it.

Looking-up

2006-05-11T07:59:00.000-05:00

I'm starting to feel that special creative feeling again. You know that feeling- when life becomes intense and little things seem magical. You can pick any image, taste or smell, texture, sound or epitome and expand them- engulph them.
I just put some software on my laptop to make it easier to write my own music and one of my former professors suggested I write a book about missions and rural issues. I have a dial tone on my telephone and last night I checked out ceramic tiles for my bathroom floor. Although I'm still addicted to coffee or more likely the caffine, I'm working on it. It's raining today- I love the rain- and my flower beds are dying in want of it. I heard of a position opening up at the Women's Shelter and the kiss John gave me this morning is still fresh in my mind.

In honor of this, a list of things I like:
- the smell of rain
- dandelion fluff
- tea and honey
- melodies and rhythms in my head
- the sound of water running in my creek
- blowing bubbles
- trail mix
- driving with my windows down
- mellow music while reading books
- dialogue
- seeing the stars
- being held

Right now there is too much to list. I'm on sensory overload. I'm not high. It's just how I get sometimes.

For some reason this fits me right now:

Caught a ride to another town
Where the air was clean
And the sun never goes down
Everyone was standing in a line
Between the landing and the stairs

I heard somebody call my name
I almost climbed the stairs
But Megan I had a feeling that someday you'd meet me there
So I just waited there for you

Taken From "Megan"- Smoking Popes-

The Problem of Love

2006-05-04T12:41:00.000-05:00

I am a very passionate person. When I do something, I try and do it to the fullest. This can be said for most things in my life- love included. A problem that I have come up against a few times in my endevour to love to the fullest is my tendency to love without consideration of the other. I am so passionate to love at times I don't stop to question if the person I'm trying to love wants my love or wants the things I am offering as a sign of love. Perhaps forcing yourself and your "gifts" on others is not true love, it's a type of love rape. Perhaps love becomes a burden when given to those who don't want it. Is love like that ugly sweater your grandmother gives you for Christmas that she just adores and makes you wear (with best intentions of making you look good) for the remainder of the holiday, trying to love you but really humiliating you?

It becomes even more complicated when the person you are trying to love, in your opinion, can not judge for themselves what might be best for them. An example of this would be my grandparents. Right now we are going through the very tricky and delicate process of placing my grandparents in a "Home". My grandfather is physically unable to care for himself and my grandmother is mentally unable to care for herself. The two of them complement each other in a way but as a team they just can't do it anymore. The problem is they don't understand why they can't manage anymore. As often as we enlighten them to thier reality, they forget or seem to disregard our words.

Sample Conversation Excerpts:
"You've got to get me out of here. It's full of old people."
"Grandpa, most of these people are younger than you."
"I feel like I'm in jail."
"Grandpa, you're free to go out for coffee or to go for a walk sometime."
"I want to go home."
"Who will take care of you if you go home?"
"I can take care of myself."
*To myself*- Yah and that's why when Grandma went into the hospital and you were alone you had to call us over to pull up your pants or you just sat in your own crap until someone came over to see you.

Is it more loving to let them live out their lives dangerously in thier own home, they way they would like, or is it more loving to go against their wishes and put them together in a "home" where they could be cared for by professionals?
I know it's the latter but I guess I just sense a feeling of imperialism. This idea of "I know best" can be a dangerous road and not one to be trend on lightly. Even the motive of Love can become twisted in the end result.

When I think about Christ and his love, a different picture emerges.
Maybe the question comes down to the loved and the lover or more precisely the attitude of the lover and the response of the loved. The lover must be patient and persistent with his love, but not overbarring. He/she must allow others to reject him/her and yet be humble enough to welcome them back on thier terms/timing. The lover must embody Agape- the sacrifical love- and set aside personal motives and desires. The loved, on the other hand, must react to the lover and not be indifferent. She/he must acknowledge all efforts made by the lover and continuously evaluate the relationship to allow for appropriate responses. The loved must also embody a humble spirit; recognizing they do not "deserve" to be loved but instead should show gratitude inlight of it.

Hmmm. So much more to think about.

Mission in the Rural Community

2006-05-04T08:21:00.000-05:00

So here I am.

I've moved back to my roots, ie. "hick" (I really hate that word and the baggage it holds) central, after living in a variety of urban centres over the past 6.5 years. I'm still adjusting to the way of life here and trying to figure out where I fit in. I want to be an active part of the rural community and I want to understand the issues that are facing these communities. When I look around or recall some of my younger years (although I'm sure some issues have changed/morphed since then) I see/remember so many problems with substance abuse, poverty, issolation, depression, communal social hierachies and other things that aren't on the top of my head. There are some programs available for people but they don't recieve a lot of attention and locations are not always convenient. Transportation and commutes can be a huge problem for many people and with gas prices going up, it's not going to get easier. Another problem faced by rural areas is the pressure to act like they are urban centres. (This thought might deserve an entry of its own)

I think one of my new goals is to try and figure out what the needs of my local communites are and how I can be a part of the things around me. Donald Reid from the University of Guelph is doing some research into the marginalized in rural communities. A topic of great interest to me.
check up on this later

May Day - This ship is going down.

2006-05-02T12:07:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was May Day or International Workers Day. In recognition of this, I went to a socialist May Day gathering in T.O. As John had foreseen, it ended up being mostly a bunch of "old" people talking about "the good old times". Even though John was bored out of his mind, there were some highlights for me. A Palestinean refugee woman, about my age -mid twenties- read some of her poetry. It was really interesting to hear her speak her mind. To be honest, I've been feeling sheltered as of late and am really missing the urban scene, so maybe just getting out hightened the experience for me. Anyway, her poetry was eye opening. She wanted to talk to this "god" that had promised her land away; with a plea for his cellphone number or email- some way to communicate with him- full of "just anger", she deemed my God unjust. Her passion was unfailing. She also talked about her womb baring the rebels to come; A daughter with rock and riffle in hand. Sparking strength from her womb; the idea of offspring came across as more powerful than I had ever thought it before. An offspring that would stand thier ground and take back thier land. And what do we say to her Christians? How can we respond? We've been misrepresented by war and death and under the label of "Christian" we spread more fear than anything else. That's what her reaction was. A reaction to fear. She was fighting back. She was strong and I envy her for that.

My question is: how do we clean ourselves of the misrepresentations? How can we show that Christ is not an opportunist, not an imperialist, not a "happy God" that will make you feel good? Christ has been/is misrepresented and twisted into what we want him to be to serve our own purposes and it's so hard to sort it out, let alone show others, who have no clue, what He's really about.

I would suggest sticking to the Biblical metaphors but then questions of contextualization come into play. Not everyone can relate to father roles and I'm sure the image of a shephard is not in it's right cultural/historic context anymore. God is Love is almost uncomprehensible because love is one of those concepts that just can't be truly captured by metaphore. There's a million different metaphors used to discribe God and really all of them are needed to gain a slight knowledge of Him, to show others what He truly is. Maybe language falls short here.

"From pure sensation to the intuition of beauty, from pleasure and pain to love and the mystical ecxtasy and death - all the things that are fundamental, all the things that, to the human spirit, are most profoundly significant, can only be experienced, not expressed. The rest is always and everywhere silence." -Aldous Huxley-

One of the worst things you can do to a person is to diminish them.

2006-04-27T11:20:00.000-05:00

What makes one person hold more societal value than another? Are we not all equals? Some might say that "being smart" having "the answers", "education", would put you above others but I ask why this trait would be hightened above the rest? All traits would then have to be given the same consideration from musical talent to physical. Does this then mean that excelling in some talent increases your "value"? There is more to a person than talent. We feel, we love. There is depth in every person. Does that mean character determines "value"? The problem is that it would be impossible to dissect a persons character into the millions of lables that make up a character. We can make generalizations about percentages ie. that person is generally a "good" person. But in the end all of our characters carry the sin of the fall, past down from generation to generation. We are all equally guilty.

I really hate how hierarchal our social structures can be. It doesn't make any sense. I'm not saying that authority/responsibility shouldn't exist, I'm saying that the lack of love shown to others just because they are not "up to snuff" for ones "social ranking" is unbearable to me. Arrogant snobs. They need to learn how to love.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." -1 Cor 13:13

An ant is strategically spreading her pheromone all alone on the streets.

2006-04-26T11:12:00.001-05:00

Looking to lure, hoping to spur,
a connection of sorts,
but instead she contorts the only thing going for her;a thorax that boasts.
And the picnic that once was so full of great taste has now been rained out
leaving
her face distorted and twisted,
open hand, wristed
Nothing is left for the six legged slut.
Searching for reason amongst the treason of those she betrayed by creating the lag in a long rope of connections that have long since been
broke
with no money and far from a hill or the thrill of a hay roll with tariffs and bill,

The ant goes marching on our sad empty streets.

Work

2006-04-25T09:50:00.000-05:00

I just finished my Propoganda write-up for work and it makes me a little sick. Point in case: a) "It's a tranquil locale, perfect for a pleasant pause from the everyday commotion." b)"Although the mill has been removed, today this charming little corner offers a quaint getaway nestled beside the winding Saugeeen River." c) "This park has a natural charm that is a must see for any...."

Rustic leisurely pleasent fresh air natural remarkable winding charm lure = SICK

The first of my writing to be put-up on display and it's all crap. Well some of it is good crap but it's fluffy none the less. *sigh* Maybe one day I'll have the guts to let myself be/do what I feel/want. And maybe someday I'll write something of importance, more than a trailhead sign.

I hate that I've written propoganda to lure touists into an area that will one day not be able to afford thier own land because the very same tourists I've drawn in will artifically prop-up the property/house evaluations and our taxes, making us the next Muskoka. Poor people and older retirees will be pushed out and the numberous people with mental health issues and addictions will not have anywhere to go.

I need to go back to school and get my child and youth worker degree or find somewhere worthwhile to volunteer myself because this sucks.

Stubbed fingers on cold windows writing me love notes

2006-04-25T07:54:00.000-05:00

"We love you" That was what the boy wrote on the back bus window. Not a bad way to start the day. Although the addition of "I heart U" was added (once backwards and then corrected) I found it charming in that schoolboyish way. Who ever that kid was, in his blue baseball cap, he made my rush to work and the fact that I was going to be late, unimportant. He even blew me a kiss.

I hope John's not too jealous.

Charismatic Sugar High

2006-04-24T07:36:00.000-05:00

On my way back home this morning from Georgetown I heard a report on the CBC about the Charismatic movement and it's popularity in Africa. Although old-news to me, seeing as how the Charismatic movement has been the leading movment for I don't know how long, it did get me thinking about it agian. I do like the fact that it has a strong emphasis on the Holy Spirit which is often neglected or brushed off in other traditions. I'm a strong believer that the Holy Spirit can make itself know and can work in peoples lives. (I've spoken in tounges once and could understand a person beside me who was speaking in tounges and was once overcome with profound joy - I'm as surprised as you. What the heck, I'm a Reformed type of girl.) As well, the fact that it is less imperialistic is also nice, ie. generally more accepting of its members and allows for cultural incorporation. It also allows for movement and verbal expressions of joy/worship, both wonderful ways to come before your creator.

BUT.....

Within the North American branches that I have attended or read about, as a generalization, it seems a little theatrical. Perhaps an unfair judgement but I make it none the less. Emphasis is put no longer on the worship of the spirit rather on the actualization of the Spirit. People seem to only get excited with manifestation. I also suggest it's a worship of our senses. We see this within the secular world as ad campaigns bombard us with visuals, audios, and even aromas. Not to mention the "free samples", found at any Costco or various supermarket, that even attack our taste. Our culture is drawn to anything that appeals to our senses, perhaps as a way to feel something other than the hum-drum of cultural life or as a way to escape it. The way to hook a person is to appeal to their senses and unfortunatly there is an euphoric "high" that goes along with many Charismatic services that draws people in only for that reason. Although there is temporary relief from what ever might be ailing them, the root of the problem doesn't seem to be fixed. People return to these services looking for that "high" and their goal is no longer to grow closer to God, it's to feel better.

Reflections on my Worldview

2006-04-21T09:13:00.000-05:00

For those of you unfamiliar with the term, a worldview is the shaping of the interpretation of the world or the way you see/understand your world ie. a set of values and beliefs, truths and untruths. No one is without a personal worldview, although you can see through the "lenses" of a collective group or attempet to interpret the world through another's "lense". Our worldviews shape our interpritations. What's special about the Christian Worldview is that it not only shapes our interpretations but it also allows room to incorporate our innate creational "instincts". The most important thing about the Chritian Worldview is the incorporation of the Bible and the historic story it tells. Although the climax of the story is Christ, we wouldn't understand the extent of the story if we were only to focus on Him. The point is that our worldview makes a very serious claim about history. (This is not just a fiath claim it's a historic claim) Not one point in history but the essence of world history as a whole. I think that is key. History in its entirety. That means our Worldview is living. It's a continuing story and has not just stopped with the climax of Christ. We are part of the living story (history)and that story is about the fall and redemption of creation. Christ has started the process of redemption and the Spirit has empowered us to continue in it. I'm not saying that Christians have the ability to completely renew creation right now at this point but I do think we have the ability to reform the systems/things we have created (With the aid of the Spirit of course). Creation has fallen but I believe it has only been twisted. It can be redeemed only because God created all things good and even after the fall, a part of the creator can be found in His creation.

It's within this worldview that I interpret the things around me.

Confession of a Sinner

2006-04-20T11:39:00.000-05:00

I guillotined a butterfly with my car grill.
I found it was headless when I inspected it close.
Though lacking head, it was still quite beautiful.
(I don't think there are many things you can say that about.)
I would never have noticed
if I hadn't stopped for coffee
enroute to the parents
while it was growing dusk.

And although there was something sad/smutty about the whole thing, I'm glad that I saw/did it.

The Eastern Easter Struggle

2006-04-15T08:54:00.000-05:00

It's really difficult to give Easter the thoughts and concerns, the acknowledgement, it deserves- I mean the whole essence of my faith revolves around the events of this season and most of the scriptures point to it. Without Easter, there is nothing left for the Christian. The key or the question that I'm faced with is how to truly demonstate the fullness of it all. How can I embody it? Because really our faith needs to be a living, growing, faith. My actions and devotion seem so diminished in light of Easter but then maybe that's where I should be. We are weak. We could never accomplish what Chrsit has done and so maybe this season humbles us and brings us to our knees in search of aid/cleansing.

As the Eastern Orthodox tradition points out, God and His purposes/tasks are too big for us to fully grasp, he is infanate, and this brings me cause to worship and stand dumb in awe. Within this tradion, Easter and the resurection are seen as the climax of our faith. (I have to agree) Really my thoughts and intellectual journeys can bring me nowhere in full within my quest of embodiment and it's my actions and devotion that will draw me more into Him. Easter should be a time to not only think upon the foundation of our faith but to make it real as well.

I guess my goal for this Easter is to show myself as a sacrifice for others and remember to remain humble in the endevour. (Along with the usual devotion and attempt at insightful thinking)

Christ is risen from the dead,
Trampling down death by death,
And upon those in the tombs
Bestowing life!

-Paschal Troparion-

6 am Wake-up Call

2006-04-12T09:15:00.001-05:00

Canada is seen by many as a "liberal" country where equality has been established and systems have been put in place to provide for level playing fields. This naive understanding has made our population feel overly comfortable and content with thier career roles and their lot in life, allowing for injustice to creep in along with the abuse of power.
Job security today seems to be at a low, with the abundance of "convenient" contract positions (and non-union work places) that allow companies to maintain low wages and high turn over rates that reduce the number of pay raises and disallow workers to join together in common thought. The young, the elderly, the uneducated, the poor, and the injured all suffer in the hands of this "level playing field" and because the population is so lulled by the sway of our desire to advert reality, to escape from life, through entertainment and other means, we are inavertantly blind to the injustice and lack of action.

It is time to go beyond the "common" issues of the day, to come out of our waking life, and find a place within society and the workforce for everyone.

Thoughts come slowly at first....

2006-04-11T15:23:00.000-05:00

and then they grow into something of worth.